i think my muscles will completely atrophy by the end of the holidays. i am turning into a spineless slug with the braincell count of a single-celled organism. the sofa is my habitat! just place a handphone, a remote control, a bunch of VCDs, a few bags of lays bbq chips, within an arms reach and i will THRIVE.

well lets see, yesterday i spent the entire day alternating between a) sleeping AND b) watching tv AND c) stone. talk about a meaningful existence. just throw in a carton of beer and i'd turn into an old paunchy middle-aged man.

and so the degeneration begins. the word "productivity" has been flung out of the window along with assorted OB/ECONS/IT notes which i hope i will NEVER EVER have to see again in my life. ok..indeed i dont.

i've watched so much TV i can practically describe to you in detail EVERY SINGLE advertisement (Superhost being the trademark of Channel U advert now)i need something to do. and i need to stop descending into bouts of narcolepsy and falling asleep every few seconds. i couldn't even get through a MOVIE without falling asleep, and your brain is supposed to be more inactive while watching TV than while sleeping. this must be the repercussions of chronic sleep deprivation for most of the year. i think i may just dig a hole and go into hibernation.

i am traumatised for LIFE. i was sitting down on the living room floor, doing my work on the coffee table while watching GOTCHA when i felt something tickling my leg. thought it was my kid bro and so i peeked under. to my utmost horror, it was the biggest(no 2nd biggest on second thoughts)cockroach i've ever seen in my 20 years! i screamed feebly (courtesy of sore throat) and scrambled away. but it decided to traumatise me further by coming straight at me! screamed endlessly while i jumped onto the sofa, followed by my dad bursting from his bedroom wondering what on earth happened to me. YUCK. that abhorrent creep met with its end soon after. i'm still scarred for life.

imagine a gulag in the depths of inner mongolia or something of that sort. zoom in on the faces of emaciated people toiling away, shivering in the sub-zero temperatures. then pan out, and there's yuzhe warm and toasty in an eskimo suit beaming happily from outside of the barbed wire fence, taking a happy touristy shot, waving cheerfully at the POWs and then traipsing off into the sunset.

that pretty much sums up my sentiments now. i am one of the LUCKY FEW in the ENTIRE batch, whose exams have ended on tuesday. the rest will be mugging all the way up till god-knows-when. i shall shut up before someone decides to drop a crate of unheard-of Engineering(or what) textbooks on me and squish me into oblivion.

but liberation is sweet. :)

the past week has been nothing but MUGGING. IT textbook is probably permanantly etched into my retinas. i am not a natural at IT, and my brain processes such information at the speed of bangkok traffic.
As such i spend about 10 times more time mugging for IT than a humanities subject( Business LAW) (read: virtually nothing for humanz). but NEVER AGAIN will i have to tolerate DRAM and database or 3G phones and stupid tablet pcs.

this makes me very happy. yeah. i'm not going to think about the possible permutations and combinations of my result. no. i'm going to embrace everything with an open heart( esp for IT).

Your Personality Is

Rational (NT) You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas.You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy! Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people.In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally. You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought.Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals. In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent. At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia. With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well. As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly. On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.

The Three Question Personality Test

this is as true as it can possibly get. BFX

时光是那么地神秘，像风一样，看不见，抓不住。你无从感觉他的存在。只有在风起时，散落在四处的文稿才让我愕然发现---那是散落一地的生命碎片。。

我心痛地拾起它们，细细地重新回过头来审视这些遗失的自己，恍如面对生命里无法言传去又复返的召唤。那是要用直觉去感知的一种存在，是很难形容的一种疼痛中又微带甘甜的战栗。那种疼痛在有意无意之间化为低落在稿上的透明液体。而在这一切之间，我终于又重新碰触到那几乎已隐而不见，藏在极深极深的海底、却又从来不曾离开的心。

我用泪水把它们细细地包裹，纵身一跃，向极深极深的海底游去，去找那个美丽的匣子。
让它们在匣子的怀中日渐化作一颗晶莹剔透。。

我发现我欠好多我珍惜的人--生日债。。
安琪。维彪。瑞宁。还有KAN（这要看他还是否健在）
没办法。。 考试后再说吧。。我就找一天拉他们（不需要拉维彪~：D因为会在那里找倒他)去草根。。木船。。

lucifer by glen duncan-- how it's like to be The Devil, Lucifer himself.
it's interesting, laced with dark thoughts, something to feed the darkness i feel. it almost borders on blasphemous, me thinks, but it's insightful. "Temptation's less about wearing someone down with repitition than it is about finding the right phrase and dropping it at the right time." how amazingly true- i couldn't have put it any better myself. choice- the one thing that can redeem and at the same time, doom us. forgive my lack of eloquence- basically, that's one of the themes of the book. we are defined by the choices we make.
..the ideas, the theories, the Bible rewritten in what might be the other side of the story.. it's captivating and yet it makes me question, makes me wonder.

i felt sad after finished it, lucifer. what's heaven like? in the book, Lucifer's fall from grace resulted because he wanted to live in a world without God as its center. (this is by no means accurate, but a variation of possible truth) his price for freedom, in the book, was eternal damnation. thing is, heaven is a wonderful place right? there's no sickness, no guilt, no sinners- we are redeemed by the ultimate act of salvation. but our whole life in heaven is supposed to be dedicated to glorifying God. there is no freedom, in that sense- we can't do what we want for ourselves, no selfish needs. where does that leave us then? eternity serving God and doing nothing else sounds... long. sometimes i wonder if i have it in me because i am so selfish, because i am so human.

because of the exams i'm going through one of these gawd-i-wish-i-were-on-vacation-moments argh.

i want to go to MoMA [the Museum of Modern Art], screw the MET. this place has the most fantastic collection of modern art! you know all the paintings that you've ever been learning bout in art classes? they've got 'em all. i could literally put my nose up against every pointalism painting they had. Did i mention they had at least 8 seurats?

and stary night, despite its cliches (being a van gogh, being a van gogh on every damn calender, having bad songs sung about it)surprisingly manages to take your breath away.

pay my respects to picasso.
i want to buy his "3 Musicians" and the " night cafe" should I ever have roughly an infinite amount of money in loose change/ oh and "the painting that changed art history forever"...at least according to some people, a painting of crudely drawn naked prostitutes (:

i still like it though, there's a je ne sais quoi to it.
it's quirky of course there was Warhol and every single lovely campbell's soup can ever printed and monroe who we all loveMatisse - minus the snail which is in the Tate Modern, always sublimeMarcel Duchamp and the Wheel on a Stool, personal favourite/best title given to a piece of work "Stare through the crack with one eye closed for an hour"all the surrealists. totally surreal, totally dreamlike and at the same time all too realistic for a painting.. my favourite italian futurists (: all in one building at that chagal!

and of course the only 2 American men I can actually stand as artists Rothko and Barnet-Newman. Warhol is international property :Pand Pollock. i love Pollock. could i love anyone more than i love Pollock?(well, yes)

but heck, i love Pollock. Pollock = Greatest inspiration. Much love to Pollock.hell, you can say it's just a splatter. but when you see these splatters on that massive scale,you kinda take a step back and go "wow."

Upon second watching( from unspeakable sources), I have decided that the familifying of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory wasn't as sacrilegious as I had previously thought, and I enjoyed it immensely after that. (ok..so wat am i doing admist the preparations for exam? oh the pt is, did i ever embark on that sacred mission anyway?)

watched it with my little bro. seeing it with him, as nice as it was to see him [note my use of a quantifier!], diminished the johnny depp gawking experience. i heart johnny. though, i do believe i prefered him more in pirates simply because he looked less like michael jackson and well, more like a man. i mean, i like androgeny, i just wouldn't like to fuck it. it's like how some articles of clothing are just meant to be appreciated and not worn. it was totally unlike how i imagined the book to be [except for the edible grass bit, which was scarily spot on] but i loved it! first time that happened too, i mean usually if you really like a book, when a movie doesn't conform to your point of view you end up hating it, but this one was cool. complete acid trip. which is why i heart tim burton as well. it had his stamp all over it, all the houses/buildings were like transplanted from the nightmare before christmas set. the best bits were the really trippy ones, with all the references to 5th Dimension (Good Morning Starshine), The Beatles and St.Pepper...Didn't particularly like the back story, or the hallmark approved ending. Dahl was never big on that type of gig anyway. And was it just me? but did charlie merely win because everyone was an utter arse? And [this is an afterthought] i didn't quite like Johnny as Willy Wonka [*gasp* blasphemy!]..yeah he made the character his own but that's precisely what was so wrong (?) with it. then again, i've got my own preconcieved notions of how the book should be interpreted and johnny's portrayal just doesn't fit in with my worldview.


BUT, it occured to me that despite the trippy quality of the film, it was, at its basis, a children's film. I asked the my kid brother what he thought of it and he said he enjoyed it, and when it comes down to it, that's all that matters - that kids enjoy it. That's always been what Charlie's about, making children happy. So as much as purists and almost adults who grew up reading and loving Charlie go "WTF WONKA HELLO?", the most important people are the children watching it now. While being admittedly kind of trippy, it achieved that, so it fulfilled it cause.

someone just sent this to me, it's kinda cool so have a read

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.I

am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.I

am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

post this if you believe homophobia is wrongso... the last one's a little cheesy, but we'll live.

i'm feeling the pain. Why are you doing this to yourself? i sense you are suffering, i see you are sufferring, you tell me you are suffering.. and there's nothing i can do here. " talk to me to 8 45. i wan to talk"..do you know how this sentence aches my heart? i hate this blardie helpless feeling. i wana cry. serious. it isnt good seeing the special person tt you treasure so much torturing herself and i can only say take care take care take care...it's useless..you tell me you will..you tell me not to worry..but i know it's not gonna be like tt..but WAT CAN I DO?! damn it! i couldnt think of a better thing to say...

but why you? of all ppl why do i feel such affinity towards you? i cant find a reason.it doenst matter how far we are, if doenst matter whether we even talk to each other...certain things just doenst matter..nothing can explain..it's like my destiny..i can feel so much for your situation i dono why. others i don give a blardie damn. and yet, i'm seeing you piercing yourself with your own thorns, bleeding yourself dry. i cant stop it neither can i leave it. i can only suffer with you. it's weird..ppl do have expectations for others. i have non for you. don ask me why.. coz no matter how much you've changed... i ll take you as you are..
strange as it seems but it's true..the naked sense sometimes see too little - but then always they see too much.

me cai yirui and jinghan~  

me and cai again...y? coz she's damn amazed by my British Airways~~ -__________-lll.. 

me and cai~ she's in hall 13 wor~ serious i think my class has tonnes of chiobus(pls refer to class photo)~ haha... if any of yall interested tell me~hahah! =D..anyway...the background is nice hor! 

ppl~ cover your ears! ZHIHUI's HERE! haha this gal is loud and cheeky as ever.. 

anyway...this is the REAL difference in height~~..SORRY XIAO P!! my bao bao!! haha~ bi bao rox~ 

stary stary night~~ the MAF committee did a good job for the lightings~i love this photo! 

the pretty pretty lanterns at the central plaza! 

a bit blur...but PW grp!! yes the horrendous PW..haha~ gosh...i'm qutie impressed by whoever who starte the PW photo taking thingy..i mean..WHO ll rmb tt?!!?haha! 

A13!!! but xiya hon amm shiyu zhiwei and stella are no longer there...haiZ..ziqian is somehow as extra as ever!!hahahah! 

MAF! heehee Jing yirui and me!! 

i felt bloody rudy stupid today. f*ck. Never in my life did i feel so small/undereducated/naive/immatured/lacking in thinking/inferior in front of ppl ard my age. yes. i'm intimidated after realising that my scope of knowledge and experiences are so damn extremely limited.

my gosh they are merely 1 or 2 yrs older than me and they can engage in my dad's ABSTRACT discussions-- abt philosophies, phy, math, life sciences, politics, ideologies, visions in life blah. By discussion i, by no means, suggest that they are having frivilous shallow facade chit chatting session like the way WE,ok i shall not generalize but at least for me, have been talking for my past how many yrs. To think tt i used to be proud of myself: of my thinking, my tots... How shallow. Superfical.Narrow-minded of me. I 've never in my whole life seen my dad engaging in such a discussion before( a prof Vs undergrads discussion). He, on NO account, has told me all those stuff. Well, cant hold him responsible. I'm seriously not up to the standard. What's the problem man! i mean, we are ALL undergrads! why such distinct a difference?! bloody hell, i felt like a silly pri sch kid looking retardly at da1 shu1 shu1 and ah1 yi2 men2 talking anything but my teeny weeny pathetic scope of knowledge.

Is it just me or is it the education system? no doubt it's more of the latter. coz i see nearly none of the ppl ard me equipped with such an apt and questioning mind. sucks. and to make things worse..i'm receiving this whole package of singapore education system .
boy..it sucks.

i have no thinking of my own. such ignorance is briliant. f*ck.

ok..this post might sound a little extreme coz i'm feeling very agitated.
if i have offended any pro singapore edu system ppls. i'm sorry. you are INVITED to LEAVE this blog.

on a lighter note, which doesnt concern me anyway, my dad's Uni pal, who is now a Harvard Prof ( goodness! i din know he has SUCH uni frens!) happens to drop by singapore and is going to visit us!

me: hey dad..errr so WAT happened to you?
dad: ...coz i was too slack to bother abt my eng tt time. PLEASE remind me of tt...

end of this horrendous day.

--yuzhe the P1 kid

this year's maf is definitely blogworthy.. i'm just so so so glad tt i went..it's kinda stupid for tt mental struggle before going come to think of it...the turn out was somewat disappointing( and a little boring..me and js were seriously feeling very bored before the lighting up)...by tt i mean NOT as many as compared to past years....but STILL there's a lot of ppl~...pt being..i met tonnes of pplz tt i havent seen for ages... sometimes you din realize how much you miss some ppl until you meet them...arg..i love Hwa chong...Huang Cheng...A13...LEP..

i'm tired...shall update you guys on the details some other day...when i can upload the pics~ tata!

"Give me a red rose,"she cried, "and i ll sing you my sweetest song."

But the tree shook it's head.

"my roses are red,"it answered, " as red as colour of love....but the winter has chilled my veins, and i shall have no rose at all this year."

"one rose is all i want," cried the Nightingale, "only one rose! Is there no way by which i can get it?"

"There is a way," answered the Tree, "but it is so terrible that i dare not tell it to you."

"Tell it to me," said the Nightingale, "I am not afraid...in the name of love."

"If you want a red rose," said the Tree, "you must build it out of music by moonlight, and stain it with your own heart's blood. You must sing to me with your breast against a thorn. All night long you must sing to me, and the thorn must pierce your heart, and your life blood must flow into my veins, and become mine."

And the Nightingale did it..All night long she sang, and the thorn went deeper and deeper into her breast, and her life blood ebbed away from her. She sang first of the birth of a love in the heart of a boy and a girl. And on the top-most spray of the Rose-tree, there blossomed a beautiful rose, petal following petal..

Pale was it, as first...

So the Nightingale pressed closer against the thorn and louder grew her song..And a delicate flush of pink came into the leaves of the rose..

But the thorn had not yet reached her heart, so the rose's heart remained white, for the only the Nightingale's heart's-blood can crimson the heart of a rose.

"Press closer, little Nightingale," cried the Tree, " or the Day ll come before the rose is finished."

So the Nightingale pressed closer against the thorn, and the thorn touched her heart, and a fierce pang of pain shot through her. Bitter, bitter was the pain, and wilder and wilder grew her song....

the rose became crimson...
crimson as the ruby was the heart..

Nightingale's voice grew fainter, and her little wings began to beat, and a film came over her eyes. Fainter and fainter grew her song, and she felt something choking in her throat..

Then she gave one last burst of music.
The rose heard it, and it trembled all over with ecstasy, and opened its petals to the cold morning air.

"Look look!" cried the Tree," the rose is finished now."
But the Nightingale made no answer.

For she was lying dead in the long grass, with the thorn in her heart...

i suddenly realized tt i've yet to pen down any posts to dear moogies..so here i am..trying to make up for it..heeZ..well..all tt i can say is tt it's the most wonderful OG tt one can ever have.. and apparently the best so far in my years of camps..

the fellow moogies are:

denyse--
my sweet darling who initiated the 'save yuzhe fund'..a cheerful gal yet SILLY gal..with extreme shrills and loud laughters tt can turn every head within 5 km radius~~haha..life without her ll be a bore~ =) and yes..someone tt always requires me to give her morning calls on FRI for 8 30 lectures..when she stays in errrr hall 3 ( the nearest to MLT)..just to tell you a little secret(joel listen!)..she can slp at a count of 10..amazing!

rong shan--
gamble gamble gamble...she and her 4 packs of poker cards...this gal carries cards with her EVERYWHERE she goes!(does it includes showering? Hmm..) i wonder y one can have such a fetish for cards! haha.. she's my dinner mate cum errrr..neighour( hall 15)..and always keep me informed of stuff around me.. and asking me out for dinner..orh! this nice gal alwasy lend me her OB books! when the stupid suppliers refuse to give me...

mabel and xiao wei--
my roomie and future lao po!!!!! haha! when i'm not in my room..not stoning in lessons...you know where i am! haha..i mabel and xiao wei's room! mabel the relatively loud gal is very ncie and kind...although she alwalys laugh at my silly erm..throw face stuff..but she and xiao wei damn helpful!*crys* and yah..they are the self appted secretaries and vice secreteries of Moogle!^^..apparently mabel can be a better ACCt den me...i dono wat i'm doing here in acct...haha..xiao wei( yeah tt song~)'s gonna teach our kids man~(oops.better send my kids overseas~) haha! kidding.. well her rxn time is 30000 light years slower than normal human being..aiyos.. like tt how to handle students.. i bet she would only realize tt some of her students hand in their work late only after a few days due to time lagg..hahah! oops..happy playing sims 2 hall 14 pals!

shuting--
pebble!!! always the gal who goes hay wired wtih me!( jon jon's roll eyes expression) a sweet gal who alway msg me where and when to meet for lessons..and wat and when the lecs changed to...wah..i feel damn informed coz of her! apparent everyone is well informed of wat is going in sch except for me...Y??!!? haha...i ll be so bored without her company in lecs...

Jacquiline(? is tt how you spell it?)
this gal arh...poor thing..suffered from some unknown illness after the camp! so she kinda missed quite a lot of our moogle activities! but heehee finally got to see her on sun! she went to the pot luck session~~ and i think she looks like jasmine! they 've got the sisters -face...^^

hui zhen--
yeah~ my fellow ny and HC mate...but somehow i din rmb seeing her in sch...Oops..paiseh! i'm in arts you see...damn far away from s7~~~~a quite and errr yah...quite gal( even more quite than me haha)...haha...enjoyed her company during all the bus rides in camp..=)

ok time to go for tuition...shall update the others nxt time~~^^

茜雅走了。。一阵茫然把我吞噬了。。我现在的心情很糟。。或许，我早已习惯为自己拨开一个伤口。。再在上面慢慢地洒盐。。然后享受那种刺心的痛。。原谅我。。今天对我来说很重要。。可是我什么也不想说。。我的心情可能要花好一段时间才能恢复。。还是。。它有机会恢复吗？我不知道。。它或许只会被我自私地折叠起来。。然后好好地藏在我触及不到的地方。。你也许觉得我近期的缄默。。因为我内心充满了不知由来的喧闹。我只是累了。。累得不愿再振振有词的向他人费力的解释。。企图以说服别人来说服自己，并从中取得虚假的安慰。。原谅我的虚伪。。现在我正享受那份震耳欲聋的幽静。。

许多东西。。只能静静地触礁。。静静地记得。。

term started..and my first week is seriously well spent learning NOTHING and missing everything...i started my Uni life by pon-ing the my first lec..haha! tt's so me right... but Uni lecs are crap. those well paid lecturers can spent 1 hr 59 mins toking nothing but crap and merely used 1 min to touched on the subject by saying "go back n read your text". brilliant. wat's the use of us going den? a serious waste of time depriving me of slp...

urg.i'm missing HC already... i tot i won miss it ( in a sense..tt only few would know..) but i am.. i miss SIS clan and lep to be exact and to some extent..crapping sessions with tiger( toking abt tiger...i have yet to pass him the design of the logo for LEP alumni! urg..)..i miss lep stuff...i'm just so off nowadays..so cut off from the world tt i used to belong..xiya's leaving...baobei's leaving...kan will be leaving.. biao will be leaving... and hu else is left for me...to talk abt life...abt lit..abt everything tt we used to tok abt..chyi..she's the only one left...and i don even have time to meet up with these ppl..my past is suddenly snatched away from me..and i'm left with nothing..and chyi will be the only lingering connection to my past.. and i have this strong feeling tt i'm going to lost it completely if i don meet up with them any sooner..i miss you guys dearly.

a mundane update of my life: it's in a mess. nonsense. i'm trying to amend it now..but lethargic. tired. exhausted. for a reason i have yet to figure out..lecs fail to fill me with motivation coz i cant make a sense out of them..my laptop ll only be there in 2 week's time..and most imptly...i'm financially dehydrated.

heading to meet chyi in 2 hr's time..meeting xiya darling after tt....grab some dinner..and i gotta head my way down to zouk...i hope i can get some inspirations...it has been a long hiatus... but i realize i'm losing the touch...it's just impossible for me to sribble anything sensible now... bleahs...and tt makes me desperately yearning for lep...

I haven't blogged for ages...but in my defence a combination of factors such as reading...self-appted schoolwork (or what I've been doing of it..anyway i'm not in any sense mugging for acct..but learning jap).. and being tiger's faithful secretary etc have kept me busy. Be that as it may...I think what i've been experiencing were.. unblogworthy. Words cannot express how I'm feeling now. I suppose I am...for one of the rare occasions....SPEECHLESS.

speechless of my increasingly unhappening live..i'm home all day long( it's ok..never were i socialble) either reading or typing or some mild mugging of jap...kinda sian..but i felt so sorry for myself for the past er..5 or 6 years..for depriving myself of books..which becomes flagrantly disgraceful when i read Jasper Fforde's thrillers...i barely finished 5 of the MANY classics mentioned..err..stop telling me tt i ought to feel ashamed..i know tt better than you do~..haha..cant help shrinking lower into my armchair when i read those...hoping tt no one would have enough knowledge of me to know tt..URg..given such limited time...how am i able to make up for all those wasted years..

ok..so i finished the overrated Da Vinci Code..11 minutes..The Little Prince eng version..Jane Eyre..The Eyre Affair(note the sequence)..Lost in a Good Book( i like their humour)..7 li xiang(the book..jay is not even remotely linked to this)..currently reading kundera's farewell waltz..those still waiting for me include The unbearable lightness of being, Mayan, The Christmas Mystery..how can i possibly finish them before term starts...i'm gonna stuck in camp for the whole of next week..

and yes....camp...i do hope i'm going to get a nice group...BUT 6 days! tt's daunting! i mean..you are going to have 5 itchy and sleepless nights.. and those long Qs for bathrooms...the ONLY seemly positive aspect now is the possibility of slimming down after all the running...crawling..and yes again..sleepless nights...haha..i know i sound like an absolute tai tai..but i hate making myself dirty..

anyway...went out with js yesterday...and did some shopping(shoping with JS gurantees good buy!)...she's still as silly as ever..haha...makes me laugh..and my goodness..she STILL fails to use up all her TIMEs book voucher( tt was given to her more than a year ago for her topping Chi Hist..-________-)..well..psyco-ing her to do some reading? pinning jelly onto the wall gurantees greater success..:P haha..i have to voice my thanks to JS's mom~~ thx to her dinner treat to Crystal Jade! thx auntie!:)

tt's all for the time being...i ll be hell busy after the camp i guess...have to matriculate online...decide on minors and electives...have to settle hostel fees and do some shopping for hostel...and TATA~ term starts...

1
烟灰缸里烟蒂冒着看起来像是在勾引人似的毫无形状可言的白烟。他凝视着前面纤细的玻璃杯，仿佛那被WHISKY的存在对他的人生会起重大的改变似的。

他透过玻璃杯环视着整个酒吧，在必要的时刻轻轻地移动酒杯。店里没什么客人，沉静的气息好像早已渗入木材和油漆之中。不知在何处的喇叭流泻出好象是数十年前的爵士音乐。靠着柜台的收银员漫不经心地打了个哈欠，随之对新来的调酒师投来的爱慕的眼光抛了一个轻浮的眉眼，竟然让那小伙子羞红了脸，转过头去，连大气也不敢喘。

他的嘴角情不自禁地翘了翘，轻轻地移动了一下玻璃杯，冰块碰触玻璃的声音偶尔混入音乐中。

柜台的斜对面座着两个穿制服的学生。他们正在玩扑克牌。

他下意识地走了过去。

“如果不介意，可以把joker送给我吗。”

学生愣了一下，不耐烦地瞟了他一眼。

“反正也没什么用，你要就给你。”

他拿着joker，满意地回到了座位上。

“你又跟别人讨joker了。这个习惯老是改不了。”女人早就坐到了他的对面，包容地对着他绽放笑容。令他融化的笑容。

他忍不住在女人的香腮上留下一抹风情。

“来一杯whiskey。”他对服务员说了一声。

“你为什么那么喜欢jokers？”女人玩弄着手中的joker。

他闭上了眼睛，轻轻地吸了一口气。

“你知道Jostein Gaarde 的The Solitaire Mystery吗？”

“没听过。是关于什么的？”女人摇摇头，边说边用打火机点了根香烟。

“有一个人吧。一个很寂寞的人被困在一个荒岛上。他什么也没有，只有一幅扑克牌。他太寂寞了。。那种感觉很恐怖，好像被世界遗弃了，好像根本不存在。。所以他开始对扑克牌说话。他给予每一张牌不同的个性，喜好，把他们分成不同的村落。。。有那么一天，这些人物突然见变成了实实在在存在的人。所有的一切完全按照他以往所想象进行着。”

“听起来似乎很有趣。听起来好象上帝喔。”女人咯咯地笑了笑。他喜欢听她的笑声。

“所有的扑克牌都有属于自己的地方。他们崇拜那个寂寞的人。黑桃，红心，方块，梅花。他们应该都过得满快乐的吧。只有joker，对，joker，他不属于任何地方。他被所有的家族嘲笑，揶揄。他整天疯疯癫癫的问大家。。”

“问什么？”女人吐出一口烟，发出如同风吹进门缝里的声音，然后咳了一下。

“我们到底是谁？从哪里来？为什么我们按照这种方式生活?”他深深地看着女人的眼睛。

女人愣住了，烟不小心从指间滑落。

“可是没有人理他。大家都说它是疯子。无可救药的疯子。”他随之悲哀地笑了笑。

他陷入了沉默。空气的流动似乎是唯一处于动态的。

“你觉得你是JOKER？”女人突然温柔地打破沉默。

他愣了一下。

“或许吧。。。谁知道呢？”

他的目光似乎透过了女人的眼睛，穿过了空气，在看着很远很远的地方。

其实我心里真得很怕。我不敢面对两个星期以后的事实。或者说，这些日子以来，我一直在逃避，逃避心中那种朦朦胧胧，不知名的感觉。如果你真的觉得我会斩钉截铁，不顾一切的飞去北京，那你就错了。我真的好困惑啊。。。对，我爱上了北京，爱上了北大。那一个星期留给了我太多的眷恋。如果终究与北大无缘，那段时光到底会是我人生中一段珍贵的记忆。。还是心中永远的痛呢？为什么。。为什么要让我处于如此两难的境地？我真得很讨厌选择。。尤其是像这样的选择。。我到底应该听从那一方？理智还是感情？任性地追随感情，我得牺牲太多太多。。其中包括放任我的家人。。我不忍心。。我不忍心再那么我行我素。。我只会伤害他们啊。。虽然他们是出于自愿。。其实去南大又有什么不好？我一直尝试说服自己。。会计这个专业很不错。。从很现实的角度来看。。他为我扑了一条很顺畅的道路。。还有3 years direct honors。。家里的负担会变轻很多。。太多太多的好处。。只要我做一点点牺牲。。everything will be perfect。。but my soul will be trapped。。如果我选择了北大。。everyone is trapped( coz of me) while i'm spared。。我能怎么办？ 我该怎么办？我又有什么权利自私地选择？更何况。。我并没有把握能进经济学院。。如果被分到mass comm的话。。值得他们为我做这么大的牺牲吗？对我自己来说。。又值得吗？正如他们所说的。。“值得吗？”

我真的是一个很自私的人。。我不想眼光那么浅显。。我可以在北京找到自己的定位。。我在这里找不到啊。。我等不及了。。在这里多一刻我就有多一刻窒息的可能。。我最不想看到的是身边的朋友急速地成长。。而我只能站在原点目睹他们在长跑赛中离我越来越远。。有些甚至超越我。。这真得很残酷。。至少对我来说。。

我真的好害怕。。好害怕这一切都会变成事实。。我到底该如何选择。。我隐隐约约觉得。。或许我的心里早已做了个决定。。只是我打从心底不愿去面对。。

i'm SO SO SO BORED AT HOME....nothing to do but wait for the results...now i can understand PERFECTLY why tian choose to fly back to china instead of staying in singapore and wait for me n chyi the other time.. ok...just to inform yall..my luggage is BACK! yes... i was kinda taken aback when nengduan's mom asked me how's my luggage going yesterday~~haha...news spread at lightning speed indeed... i guess many in beida would have know tt by now..hahah! ( tt reminds me of the need to pass xuehui SSA's polo Ts as ORDERED by linlin~~haha:P) ORH yes..btw...THX A LOT tian for all the stuff you've done for us! we were like parasites!( literaly) i miss all the TV marathons( i wana watch qin wang li shi ming!!T__T) ..late night toks till 2 am~~~...han2 guo2 kao3 ruo4( where after eating.. one would think that seoul garden deserves to close down)..yanbing's extremely posh apartment..wenbin and jun yuan's exiting account of their North Korea trip and the yang ruo chuan sessions!!! ( not to forget the memorable exams where we can see cute koreans and Jps:D)...i dono.. it has been a long time since i last felt like this... maybe it just offers the kind of warm and cozy feeling among ppl tt i've long forgotten in hc.. ppl who are already anticipating your arrival..ppl who cant wait to meet you.. ppl who are so easy to get along with..ppl who are so willing to open their hearts and accept you.. ppl who are so anxious to offer their advices and assistence.. it's a totally new experience for me.. and i love the ppl there.. the little cozy singaporean community they value and the whole bunch of international frens they have.. you know.. i'm so afraid of studying in singapore.. i cant imagine having to face the same ppl and situation in Uni.. i cant imagine facing everyone's desperate insecurity urge to form cliches.. i cant bear the thought of having to face immatured freshmen at the Uni stage.. i cant imagine having no one who can understand, share n accept my tots.. i'm so afraid.. it's as crule as giving a poor begger a taste of luxury and snatching everything away from him again..

it's time for me to leave.. leave this place...leave my family to find my own world..yes..i wana leave my family.. i love them..but i wana leave.. it's time for us to part( on a short time basis)..i prefer missing them than facing them..for once..let me lead a live tt i want..i'm so tired of living for them..pls give me a break before i have to live for my very own family... they would say i'm cruel..
i admit and i never regard myself as kind.

but perhaps i just have to give in... i hate this... i just have to..

"MAO ZHU XI WAN SUI" haha.. orh~ there's something really interesting outside tian an men...you can see CCP's flag and taiwan KMT's flag hanging together side by side on poles... hen3 you3 li4 shi3 yi4 yi4 les...=) 

bejing 2008 OLYMPICS!!! i really wanna study in beijing! i cant bear to leave beijing to come back!!! *groans* haiZ.... 

tt's helen~~heehee..can see tt this part of the palace is repainted...yes...tt's how it's supposed to be in the past i guess...and you really know wat does it mean by jin bi hui huang now... 

errrr...dono whose's room is this...maybe zhen fei~~haha... 

sundial... can see from it it's already after 12 pm.. 

aiyah..forgot( and now lazy)to rotate..but yah...you can see tt this door is damn cute las..haha.. 

the place where xi ci chui lian ting zheng... 

it's a FAN! 

empress dowager's bed room..... basiaclly there are just lot and lots of jade.. ivory...coral...and wateva gems all there las...like say all the teapots are made of jade...even the candel holder is make of jade..haiZ...how luxurious...no wonder we don so much of gold and jade now... 

empress dowager's room.... 

still the dong fang.... 

EH this room is big and really grand! the place where the emperor and the empress-gonna-be have their honeymoon...and emperor can ONLY use this place when he is ALREADY the emperor when he's married..like say kang xi...if not you cant use this..so this room only housed 3 couples before...heehee... 

this is ironic...coz this is the office for the empress...but take note of the 2 words " wu wei"...NOT ironic...:D 

the pai bian you always see in those gu zhuan xi..haha...xiya...rmb kang xi de guo?!?! :D 

ren qu lou kong....