term started..and my first week is seriously well spent learning NOTHING and missing everything...i started my Uni life by pon-ing the my first lec..haha! tt's so me right... but Uni lecs are crap. those well paid lecturers can spent 1 hr 59 mins toking nothing but crap and merely used 1 min to touched on the subject by saying "go back n read your text". brilliant. wat's the use of us going den? a serious waste of time depriving me of slp...
urg.i'm missing HC already... i tot i won miss it ( in a sense..tt only few would know..) but i am.. i miss SIS clan and lep to be exact and to some extent..crapping sessions with tiger( toking abt tiger...i have yet to pass him the design of the logo for LEP alumni! urg..)..i miss lep stuff...i'm just so off nowadays..so cut off from the world tt i used to belong..xiya's leaving...baobei's leaving...kan will be leaving.. biao will be leaving... and hu else is left for me...to talk abt life...abt lit..abt everything tt we used to tok abt..chyi..she's the only one left...and i don even have time to meet up with these ppl..my past is suddenly snatched away from me..and i'm left with nothing..and chyi will be the only lingering connection to my past.. and i have this strong feeling tt i'm going to lost it completely if i don meet up with them any sooner..i miss you guys dearly.
a mundane update of my life: it's in a mess. nonsense. i'm trying to amend it now..but lethargic. tired. exhausted. for a reason i have yet to figure out..lecs fail to fill me with motivation coz i cant make a sense out of them..my laptop ll only be there in 2 week's time..and most imptly...i'm financially dehydrated.
heading to meet chyi in 2 hr's time..meeting xiya darling after tt....grab some dinner..and i gotta head my way down to zouk...i hope i can get some inspirations...it has been a long hiatus... but i realize i'm losing the touch...it's just impossible for me to sribble anything sensible now... bleahs...and tt makes me desperately yearning for lep...
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Thursday, June 30, 2005
I haven't blogged for ages...but in my defence a combination of factors such as reading...self-appted schoolwork (or what I've been doing of it..anyway i'm not in any sense mugging for acct..but learning jap).. and being tiger's faithful secretary etc have kept me busy. Be that as it may...I think what i've been experiencing were.. unblogworthy. Words cannot express how I'm feeling now. I suppose I am...for one of the rare occasions....SPEECHLESS.
speechless of my increasingly unhappening live..i'm home all day long( it's ok..never were i socialble) either reading or typing or some mild mugging of jap...kinda sian..but i felt so sorry for myself for the past er..5 or 6 years..for depriving myself of books..which becomes flagrantly disgraceful when i read Jasper Fforde's thrillers...i barely finished 5 of the MANY classics mentioned..err..stop telling me tt i ought to feel ashamed..i know tt better than you do~..haha..cant help shrinking lower into my armchair when i read those...hoping tt no one would have enough knowledge of me to know tt..URg..given such limited time...how am i able to make up for all those wasted years..
ok..so i finished the overrated Da Vinci Code..11 minutes..The Little Prince eng version..Jane Eyre..The Eyre Affair(note the sequence)..Lost in a Good Book( i like their humour)..7 li xiang(the book..jay is not even remotely linked to this)..currently reading kundera's farewell waltz..those still waiting for me include The unbearable lightness of being, Mayan, The Christmas Mystery..how can i possibly finish them before term starts...i'm gonna stuck in camp for the whole of next week..
and yes....camp...i do hope i'm going to get a nice group...BUT 6 days! tt's daunting! i mean..you are going to have 5 itchy and sleepless nights.. and those long Qs for bathrooms...the ONLY seemly positive aspect now is the possibility of slimming down after all the running...crawling..and yes again..sleepless nights...haha..i know i sound like an absolute tai tai..but i hate making myself dirty..
anyway...went out with js yesterday...and did some shopping(shoping with JS gurantees good buy!)...she's still as silly as ever..haha...makes me laugh..and my goodness..she STILL fails to use up all her TIMEs book voucher( tt was given to her more than a year ago for her topping Chi Hist..-________-)..well..psyco-ing her to do some reading? pinning jelly onto the wall gurantees greater success..:P haha..i have to voice my thanks to JS's mom~~ thx to her dinner treat to Crystal Jade! thx auntie!:)
tt's all for the time being...i ll be hell busy after the camp i guess...have to matriculate online...decide on minors and electives...have to settle hostel fees and do some shopping for hostel...and TATA~ term starts...
Monday, May 23, 2005
1
烟灰缸里烟蒂冒着看起来像是在勾引人似的毫无形状可言的白烟。他凝视着前面纤细的玻璃杯，仿佛那被WHISKY的存在对他的人生会起重大的改变似的。
他透过玻璃杯环视着整个酒吧，在必要的时刻轻轻地移动酒杯。店里没什么客人，沉静的气息好像早已渗入木材和油漆之中。不知在何处的喇叭流泻出好象是数十年前的爵士音乐。靠着柜台的收银员漫不经心地打了个哈欠，随之对新来的调酒师投来的爱慕的眼光抛了一个轻浮的眉眼，竟然让那小伙子羞红了脸，转过头去，连大气也不敢喘。
他的嘴角情不自禁地翘了翘，轻轻地移动了一下玻璃杯，冰块碰触玻璃的声音偶尔混入音乐中。
柜台的斜对面座着两个穿制服的学生。他们正在玩扑克牌。
他下意识地走了过去。
“如果不介意，可以把joker送给我吗。”
学生愣了一下，不耐烦地瞟了他一眼。
“反正也没什么用，你要就给你。”
他拿着joker，满意地回到了座位上。
“你又跟别人讨joker了。这个习惯老是改不了。”女人早就坐到了他的对面，包容地对着他绽放笑容。令他融化的笑容。
他忍不住在女人的香腮上留下一抹风情。
“来一杯whiskey。”他对服务员说了一声。
“你为什么那么喜欢jokers？”女人玩弄着手中的joker。
他闭上了眼睛，轻轻地吸了一口气。
“你知道Jostein Gaarde 的The Solitaire Mystery吗？”
“没听过。是关于什么的？”女人摇摇头，边说边用打火机点了根香烟。
“有一个人吧。一个很寂寞的人被困在一个荒岛上。他什么也没有，只有一幅扑克牌。他太寂寞了。。那种感觉很恐怖，好像被世界遗弃了，好像根本不存在。。所以他开始对扑克牌说话。他给予每一张牌不同的个性，喜好，把他们分成不同的村落。。。有那么一天，这些人物突然见变成了实实在在存在的人。所有的一切完全按照他以往所想象进行着。”
“听起来似乎很有趣。听起来好象上帝喔。”女人咯咯地笑了笑。他喜欢听她的笑声。
“所有的扑克牌都有属于自己的地方。他们崇拜那个寂寞的人。黑桃，红心，方块，梅花。他们应该都过得满快乐的吧。只有joker，对，joker，他不属于任何地方。他被所有的家族嘲笑，揶揄。他整天疯疯癫癫的问大家。。”
“问什么？”女人吐出一口烟，发出如同风吹进门缝里的声音，然后咳了一下。
“我们到底是谁？从哪里来？为什么我们按照这种方式生活?”他深深地看着女人的眼睛。
女人愣住了，烟不小心从指间滑落。
“可是没有人理他。大家都说它是疯子。无可救药的疯子。”他随之悲哀地笑了笑。
他陷入了沉默。空气的流动似乎是唯一处于动态的。
“你觉得你是JOKER？”女人突然温柔地打破沉默。
他愣了一下。
“或许吧。。。谁知道呢？”
他的目光似乎透过了女人的眼睛，穿过了空气，在看着很远很远的地方。
Saturday, May 21, 2005
其实我心里真得很怕。我不敢面对两个星期以后的事实。或者说，这些日子以来，我一直在逃避，逃避心中那种朦朦胧胧，不知名的感觉。如果你真的觉得我会斩钉截铁，不顾一切的飞去北京，那你就错了。我真的好困惑啊。。。对，我爱上了北京，爱上了北大。那一个星期留给了我太多的眷恋。如果终究与北大无缘，那段时光到底会是我人生中一段珍贵的记忆。。还是心中永远的痛呢？为什么。。为什么要让我处于如此两难的境地？我真得很讨厌选择。。尤其是像这样的选择。。我到底应该听从那一方？理智还是感情？任性地追随感情，我得牺牲太多太多。。其中包括放任我的家人。。我不忍心。。我不忍心再那么我行我素。。我只会伤害他们啊。。虽然他们是出于自愿。。其实去南大又有什么不好？我一直尝试说服自己。。会计这个专业很不错。。从很现实的角度来看。。他为我扑了一条很顺畅的道路。。还有3 years direct honors。。家里的负担会变轻很多。。太多太多的好处。。只要我做一点点牺牲。。everything will be perfect。。but my soul will be trapped。。如果我选择了北大。。everyone is trapped( coz of me) while i'm spared。。我能怎么办？ 我该怎么办？我又有什么权利自私地选择？更何况。。我并没有把握能进经济学院。。如果被分到mass comm的话。。值得他们为我做这么大的牺牲吗？对我自己来说。。又值得吗？正如他们所说的。。“值得吗？”
我真的是一个很自私的人。。我不想眼光那么浅显。。我可以在北京找到自己的定位。。我在这里找不到啊。。我等不及了。。在这里多一刻我就有多一刻窒息的可能。。我最不想看到的是身边的朋友急速地成长。。而我只能站在原点目睹他们在长跑赛中离我越来越远。。有些甚至超越我。。这真得很残酷。。至少对我来说。。
我真的好害怕。。好害怕这一切都会变成事实。。我到底该如何选择。。我隐隐约约觉得。。或许我的心里早已做了个决定。。只是我打从心底不愿去面对。。
Monday, May 16, 2005
i'm SO SO SO BORED AT HOME....nothing to do but wait for the results...now i can understand PERFECTLY why tian choose to fly back to china instead of staying in singapore and wait for me n chyi the other time.. ok...just to inform yall..my luggage is BACK! yes... i was kinda taken aback when nengduan's mom asked me how's my luggage going yesterday~~haha...news spread at lightning speed indeed... i guess many in beida would have know tt by now..hahah! ( tt reminds me of the need to pass xuehui SSA's polo Ts as ORDERED by linlin~~haha:P) ORH yes..btw...THX A LOT tian for all the stuff you've done for us! we were like parasites!( literaly) i miss all the TV marathons( i wana watch qin wang li shi ming!!T__T) ..late night toks till 2 am~~~...han2 guo2 kao3 ruo4( where after eating.. one would think that seoul garden deserves to close down)..yanbing's extremely posh apartment..wenbin and jun yuan's exiting account of their North Korea trip and the yang ruo chuan sessions!!! ( not to forget the memorable exams where we can see cute koreans and Jps:D)...i dono.. it has been a long time since i last felt like this... maybe it just offers the kind of warm and cozy feeling among ppl tt i've long forgotten in hc.. ppl who are already anticipating your arrival..ppl who cant wait to meet you.. ppl who are so easy to get along with..ppl who are so willing to open their hearts and accept you.. ppl who are so anxious to offer their advices and assistence.. it's a totally new experience for me.. and i love the ppl there.. the little cozy singaporean community they value and the whole bunch of international frens they have.. you know.. i'm so afraid of studying in singapore.. i cant imagine having to face the same ppl and situation in Uni.. i cant imagine facing everyone's desperate insecurity urge to form cliches.. i cant bear the thought of having to face immatured freshmen at the Uni stage.. i cant imagine having no one who can understand, share n accept my tots.. i'm so afraid.. it's as crule as giving a poor begger a taste of luxury and snatching everything away from him again..
it's time for me to leave.. leave this place...leave my family to find my own world..yes..i wana leave my family.. i love them..but i wana leave.. it's time for us to part( on a short time basis)..i prefer missing them than facing them..for once..let me lead a live tt i want..i'm so tired of living for them..pls give me a break before i have to live for my very own family... they would say i'm cruel..
i admit and i never regard myself as kind.
but perhaps i just have to give in... i hate this... i just have to..
