there is beauty in everything before our eyes. sometimes all things around us point towards and focuses your attention on something so magnificently grand and imposing - that may be beauty. yet the most beautiful things in life exist everywhere, in every nook and cranny of all buildings, in the lives of ordinary people like you and me - an elderly couple walking down the sunset beach hand-in-hand or a child with teary eyes of hope and faith.

life is beautiful and it will always be. (=
or perhaps, i'm just born fortunate enough to appreciate it.

life in uni is hectic by nature of the demanding workload. my week just passed me by without notice - partly because i have been too buried in my textbooks to differentiate night from day. while i remain convinced that i am in one of the most demanding courses in the university, i have gradually begun to accept what i'm having and have ended myself into. today is a self-enforced no-revision day:). maybe its a "burnt-out" reaction - i just could not make myself understand anything i was reading. faded was the initial obsessive drive to save my most disappointing(and sadly deserving) GPA which had seen me work non-stop in the first week of exams. Ironic it may seem, i secretly enjoys the long weeks of examinations when i can truely have some quality time with my textbooks and making real sense out of the past semester. The feeling of carrying on from where you left off exactly is almost surreal. haha. and yes, to be alone yet comfortable, away from everything...i look forward to the much-deserved breather with 3 months worth of vacation!

Academics aside, let me tune my time back to the emotionally restless night (previous post). Admist my recollections of the past, it pains me to know that of all things i have experienced, i could never live them again. life is beautiful only because you live once, for if you could repeat every experience ad infinitum you lose the most precious inherent value of existence - das schwerste gewicht, nietzche. the first fall of snow in winter. the first blooming rose in spring. the first ray of sunlight in summer. the first falling leaf in autumn. the first flight away from home. the first death of loved ones.the first crush in my teens. the first failure in my life. It is all these firsts that made me who i am. Inexplicable it may seem, this is essentially us.

It is in this silent happiness and bliss that I curiously pen this entry. (and painfully realized my no-revision day has passed. )Back to my bed and textbooks i shall go. =)

This term has ultimately taken its toll on me. I could feel myself crumbling under the immense weight of everything after slaving myself for the past 5 days; each passing day is a struggle. A struggle against stress, a struggle against temptation. I could just do no more of this mess, writing not a single word, thinking not a single thought. Hour after hour, I glanced forlornly at my clock. I saw the hour hand move with an uninterrupted regularity which characterised the inevitable passing of time. I couldn't stop it; and after a while, I couldn't hurry it. Yet the more i struggle, the faster and deeper i sink and plunge into a sea of never-ending work. I have never experienced such conflicting yet complementary feelings of despair and desperation. Behold. the next 2 weeks of utter sleep-deprivation. I'm in one of the rare occasions where the thought of believing in the mysterious powers of the divine liberates me (slightly).

I was lying on my bed from midnight in full anticipation of my first paper(which ended in tragedy)with my eyes closed, i desperately tried to get rest. but after tossing and turning with a pounding heart, my mind was a caged animal set free. I thought of the past, I thought of the future. I thought of the worst moments, I thought of good memories. I faced my worst fears and my deepest phobia and I felt an urge to pen down my thoughts, but i need to force myself to get proper rest. Interesting how peculiar we can get at absolutely critical (and wrong) timings.

Incoherence is celebrating its victory over me. I'm just in a schizophrenia talk to myself. Dont bother.

我们都是一面支离破碎的镜子
用尽了一生的精力
只不过想拼回一个完整的自己。。

My Secret Garden

有几个星期天，都被迫回到学校。不知道是不是一种自虐，还真的很喜欢在这个时候回学校。那种宁静和散漫的气氛真的让人很舒服。走在cant A 的天桥上，四周一个人都没有，连汽车都躲起来了，只有懒散的阳光，微微的风不敢太张扬，只是很调皮地卷起飘落的落叶和花瓣。想要一个人的时候，寂寞成了一种享受。少了吵杂的人群，这里似乎成了一个被人遗弃的文明。偶然闯入了这个的废墟的我走入了一个神秘的世界，抚摸着废墟里的桌椅瓦片，它们还是那么地有生命力，仿佛族人的消失只是昨天的事。 它们每一个都隐藏着一段耿耿于怀的心事吧。那是一股历史的沧桑。在永恒的时间里，每个人的存在渺小得可怜，世事烟飞云散，所有所有的曾经也只留下几页绮丽古纸，几页散落在人间的罕为人知。。。这样的一个地方，在岁月的河流里流浪，在时空交错的感情里感伤、也许也独自在夜里为它的患得患失而黯然神伤。。

“Blog is really a powerful tool for people to share their daily lives or some thoughts which is not easy to verbalize. I have came to realized how powerful words are and especially how beautiful the Chinese language can be if you are able to use it correctly. A few words can mean so much as compared to English. This is not to say that English is not good but it is just a comparison. I never was interested in Chinese before and find it a torture especially to write in Chinese. How I managed the A2 in Os is pure hardwork or memorising and practise. Now I appreciate what Chinese language can do but still it is not enough to motivate me to *ah-hem* improve my command of this language.”

也许你不知道，当我看到你部落格上的这段字，心里悄悄地感动了好久好久呢。。因为，它对我来说，真的很有意义。。