很想写一封信 寄给过去
那年窗外的夏天 下着 秋天的雨
残留着寂寞的味道 是你 执意的漂茫
带不走的 透明心凉

昨天哭湿的心情
晾干之后
今天变得些许残黄

斑黄的痕迹是为了
纪念昨天的伤痛
直到
思念
过世

她站在阴暗的角落，双眼凝视着镜子里的那个人。就这么凝视着。。晶莹的泪珠滑落她的脸颊。她掩面哭了起来，好想拥那个人入怀。

可是，从黑暗中，她看进那人的双眼里，那里比南极更冰冷，比沙漠更荒凉。
于是，在自己的怀里颤抖了一夜。

http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/

My Complete Personal Profile:

You are a very sensitive person and you try hard (perhaps a little too hard) to make favourable impressions and to be recognised by your peers. But you have that inherent need to feel appreciated and admired and you are easily hurt if all of your endeavours go by unappreciated or not acknowledged. Stop trying so hard.

You are feeling very vulnerable at this time. Nothing seems to be going in the right direction - business wise, private-life wise, everything. You need some emotional security and an environment which could possibly provide fewer problems, but the way you are feeling you can't be bothered even to make the effort.

You have a high opinion of yourself. It is perhaps because of this self-centredness that you become exasperated when you feel that your needs are misinterpreted by those around you. When this happens - and it does quite often - you feel that there is no-one that can understand the way you feel and it is because of this egocentric self that you are quick to take offence.

It is said that we are all influenced by our environment and indeed you are no exception. It would seem at this time that even though you may be surrounded by people, you are experiencing an inner loneliness. Fortunately you are sufficiently strong minded to realise that life has a great deal to offer you and that you may miss your share of experiences if you fail to make the best use of every opportunity. You therefore pursue your objectives with a fierce intensity and are prepared to commit yourself deeply and readily. You believe that whatever you would like to do or think 'you can do' - you do! It is because of this attitude that you may be considered by others as arrogant and even conceited, but its fair to say that whatever it is that you really want out of life you will put your heart and soul into it and will not take 'NO' for an answer.

You are afraid that you may not be able to realise or achieve your hopes and desires and so you insist that people should accept you as you are and appreciate your rights to anything that you aspire to.

Try isnt it Mabel?

有才华又带有书卷气的男生真的好迷人
原来，我是这么容易被小提琴和钢琴收买的。算了，
期待，也是一种伤害。
我才没有那种令人羡慕的运气。。

我的泪 还在湖畔 蒸发
憔悴 东篱
冷烟寒雨泣下
你的萧声 从此 化成惆怅
谁在落花中 终日
凝眸 断肠

花落 满地伤 如何耐得 永夜
明月 空床
衣上 诗字间 酒痕肆放
点点 行行
总是无限 凄凉

残花 落叶 从此把我埋葬
埋葬在湖畔 你的倒影身旁
某年某日
你无意再次路过
满地落花
都是我的 悲伤

玫瑰的刺究竟有什么用？用来防御猛兽吗？
还是这世上任何过分美丽的东西，都要拒人千里呢？
假如你已经找到你的玫瑰，你就会像夜鶯一样，为了她的绝色，而让自己流尽了血，死在她的身旁，在她的鲜红影子里面，沉沉睡去。午夜的冷空气里仿佛还回响着刚才你声嘶力竭的歌声。她却只陶醉在自己的美，什么也听不见。

好久好久没有这种清幽的心情了。。竟然没有睡意，一页一页地欣赏着席慕容的诗。。好美、好动人的诗。。心上的重担卸落一地。。生命原来就是要不断地受伤和不断地复原。。世界仍然是一个温柔的诗人。。时间这样宁静、空气这样清新。。生活原来可以这么的安宁和。。。美丽。

当你沉默地离去
说过的 或没说过的话
都已忘记
我将我的哭泣也夹在
我们那时的那朵玫瑰里

也许会在多年后的
一个黄昏里
从偶然翻开的一页页的日记中落下
没有芳香 再无声息

窗外那时 也许
会正落着细细的细细的
雨

i am very caught up with the elections for Student Union for the past week( and this week as well). So didnt really have much time or the mood to blog.. =( in any case it's gonna be over soon. whether i'm gonna get elected(it's IMPT that i get elected of course!!), i'm quite glad that i went thru all the sucky process of the election champaigning and rallying itself..learnt many things..learnt that that the world is cruel..it's not abt avoiding sacrifices(other ppl, say your opponentS) anymore..it's abt how to MINIMISE the blow...coz such things are just just unavoidable, unless you are really selfless and quit the game. but well..i might not get elected coz stiff competition this year..but nevertheless one must fight on and have confidence in oneself.yeah.=)

in any case. all NBS guys and gals (if you are not from NBS have nbs frens also can)please please VOTE for yuzhe for the post of Union Representative in NBS election this thursday! thank you. =)

A 4-year-old toddler that my mom always saw at the playground in front of my block died just now.. when I woke up today, the doctors were still trying to save him.. what I heard from my mom was that he fell into a pool in a condo while trying to find his dad(who just returned from overseas) in an attempt to show him a piece of drawing he had drew in nursery that day. This happened 4 days ago. Yes he had been in the ER for 4 days. I have never seen him before because my mom is of very distant relationship with his mom..but somehow my eyes were immersed in tears when I heard about his death..i cant imagine how his parents survived the horrible 4 days, praying and praying for a miracle that proved to be impossible..perhaps they have been expecting the worst, but who has the heart to face it? And now their last desperate hope is crashed. ='( I dare not imagine how my parents would feel should an incident of such happen on me or my brother.. the thought of it makes it unbearably sorrowful. I'm crying over the loss of such an innocent fine boy...I'm crying for his parents.. I'm crying because a wave of vulnerability washed over me. death is of such close proximity to us..what if that day..the boy that death was eyeing was my brother? i guess why it hits me so badly is because death is alien to me..at least to my life..you see it everyday in newspapers and on TV, but you cant relate to those deaths. but it's a totally different thing when it happened just next to you..any time there is a tragedy, a sudden unexpected death I am once again reminded that life is so fragile, so unpredictable. we think that we have control and we have the answers. we think that we've got it all figured out, but..in reality..there is a much higher and bigger force. and that's God's plan, not ours that matters. It reminds me to focus on the present, to let the hurts and disappointments of the past slip away, and let go of the concerns and fears of the future because we don't have forever and nothing is permanent..because nobody knows if they'll get home tonight.

Right now, all I want to do is to give my family a big hug and tell them "mom, dad and silly brother, I really really love you."

我真是一个舍不得忘记的人。。。突然间领悟到我的每首诗、每幅画、每张相片并不是在经营艺术。我好像怕那些东西消失了，我要写下的、画下、拍下的其实是时间。。不知道从什么时候开始，我已经不再写流水账私的日记了，换成了秘密的模糊的文字，在一页页的稿纸上写着谁都不知道的语句。也许太想触碰到一些永恒的东西，又知道这不切实际。。我不顾一切地封闭自己。逃避已经变成一种本能的反应。因为我害怕，害怕背后的诚意在时间里消磨，逃不出时间。于是自己给自己的枷锁锁了好久。。久到忘了钥匙放在哪儿了。于是。。自己老是这样孤独又这样拥挤。。

okie it seems that lots of silly incidents are happening around me( unfortuately INVOLVING me as well-_-).

1) I took 1.5 hr travelling all the way down to NTU to realize that no one's in class today. rocks. okie. the pt is there seemed to be omens telling me NOT to go school today. but well, i was ignorant. first and foremost, i missed 174 right before me and waited a blardie 30 mins for it ( first omen telling me that i'm gonna be 1/2 hr late for class so i shd just give up). well, i was innocently STUDIOUS and decided to continue my journey to sch after some internal struggle. And coincidentally missed 179 too( 2nd omen). urg. but i was already at JP. and the bus was SO slow that i thought momentarily that i was in bangkok. ( 3rd omen) While brisk walking to the classroom, met shengjie and benedict on the way asking for directions to popular. (4th omen telling me not to go for the class). by this time i'm already 30 mins late. BUT i still insisted on going to the class. AND TATA! no one's there. not even the teacher( find "not even a single soul" unappropriate now..HAHA..) and not to forget getting bullied by shengjie and benedict for their OWN disability to find POPULAR =P. but it's stupid. so stupid. spend 1.5 hrs for NOTHING.

2) okie. decided to do something meaningful in sch to console myself( that the trip was not at all a waste of time) and was lucky to meet claire in popular. so we went to look for the golf club that we have been searching for since yesterday( but couldnt find). Guess wat. This dragon boat guy stopped us as we were walking past his booth and kept on coaxing us to go for their trial session this sat. below is the conversation:

X( the guy): hey!

claire and I: huh? yea?

X: you guys wana join DRAGON BOAT?

claire and I: (momentarily stunned) WHAT?!

X: yah! it's a very fun cca. you guys wana come to our trial session this coming sat?

claire: (wanting to laugh) erms..you mean us? as in the two of us? err i dont think we err..look..er..that erm.sporty.

X: orh it's okie! acutally anyone can join you know? and DONT worry (i'm not worrying -_-lll)it's FREE. and there will be suttle bus to send you to kallang( my goodness!). *enthu enthu*

claire and I: errrrr...(thinking that's not the point but was unwilling to be a wet blanket looking at his enthusiasim)

X: (very enthusiaticly) here's the flyer and this is the paper and pen. (taking for granted that we are putting our names down.) i really hope to see you guys there on sat. *flashing big smilie face*

me: err i'm really sorry but we have something on on this comings. (though it sounds like an excuse, but it is nevertheless the truth--> i have DnD on sat but not as if i ll go if there were none)

X: (very disappointed look) oh.... okie okie..i see...really cannot arh?..nevermind...

claire and I were thinking: we are so sorry but 1) it's a sheer mistake to look for us in the first place! 2) you didnt give us a chance to refuse you right from the start. 3)the disappointed look is seriously needed..

3) claire parked her car at a very secluded car park at CEE and got into an equally secluded lift. (destination: Cant A) we have no idea how to arrive at the corridor linking North and South Spine. So we consulted this man.

claire and I: excuse me. how can we get from this place to cant a?
man: hmmm...are you year ONEs?
claire and I :(embarrassed) errr..no..we are.......year 2s..

man: orh. from CEE?

claire and I: (thinking: do we look like?!) erm no..we are from business.

man: orh! wha..that's a world apart.

claire and I: (exchange glances thinking: that serious?)

man: you gals just follow me.

after the man disappeared ( boring part skipped)

claire to me: actually...we should have lied that we were freshmen. i think he might think that we were bimbos not knowing our way when we are already..err year 2s?!!

me to claire: oh darn! We were just too honest! urg that's so embarrassing!

and he happens to be a prof..haha..but still...DO I LOOK LIKE CEE GIRLS?! *feeling a little offended* haha! kidding! :P

This is my lao shi TIGER...(-__________-)

Tiger's spastic sarcasm:

1)yuzhe missed out certain part of the mass chat..so couldnt get a lame joke( as usual) that tiger cracked.

zhe:huh? i dont get the joke
moo en: please scroll up and read zhe
zhe: i cant scroll up when you guys are talking!
tiger: yuzhe......forget it lah.....IQ is inborn one...
zhe: ...

2)yuzhe doenst know this peson called tsse hee from moo en's batch.

zhe: shit who is tsse hee?
moo en: the Newly crowned MOE scholar hahah!
Tiger:wahlao...your memory need to upgrade!
zhe wah thx.
yiquan: 他刚签了卖身契..he was in junyuan's class
zhe: wah that's quite far..i dont know all the seniors..
Tiger:jia lart... Yuzhe is old already.... with less than 1MB of memory
zhe: dots...

Tiger trying to be NICE:

after constantly niao-ing poor me

Tiger: yuzhe is a NICE gal one... won't get angry.hor?
zhe: ...
Tiger: **tiger growls**
zhe: -______-lll okie yes i'm a nice gal
moo en: u shld know by now the tempers and habits of tiger
yiquan: yah lor
Tiger: now three against one tiger!
Tiger: **growls**
yiquan :the tiger is ferocious
moo en:so scared
yiquan:someone help.....
zhe: shivers shivers
tiger: ...

Tiger's youthful fantasy:

Tiger: MOE lets you all have the fantasy that one day Minister will remember, and work ahrd to climb high
Tiger:although the truth is that that Indian will forget you the next second
moo en: pls...fairytales are more interesting
Tiger:this is the true experience, during the NIE prize ceremony in 2002....I went up to receive the top prize of Chinese Fac NIE from Teo Chee Hean...

he says :"well done,Chun Ghee... you must have worked hard"

then 20 min later, I went up again to receive the overall top prize.

Teo Chee Hean says::"well done,Chun Ghee... you must have worked hard"then I look at him, and he says :"oh.... did you just come up before?"

zhe: hahahahah!!!

Tiger's LAMENESS:

1) Panda Ang's MSN

zhe: WAH! Ang has msn arh?
tiger: MSN messenger la..
zhe: dint expect him to have msn wat..
tiger: never mind yuzhe... she like xiya.... lives in another world.. or rrather planet
zhe: EHS
zhe: DIAOS..i poetic okie lives in another world
tiger: diao got no plural, ok?
zhe:.......................... i invent can?
tiger:can, can,... u win, u win
yiquan, moo en: ....
tiger: sorryS, canS, canS, uS winS, uS winS
zhe: ........................................
zhe: dotSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

2)NOT funny

tiger:acutally... hor... I am Mr Ang using Wanglaoshi MSN ID....hahhaaa..., bu hao xiao!
zhe: .....

3)Where is moo en?

Tiger: mu en think go toilet liao... she always half-way release pigeon one
yiquan: maybe
tiger: she must be from Li's House becos 李宅的鸽子飞到张宅去 hahaha... subei lame
zhe:hahahahha
yiquan:not funny

4)胡一刀

tiger:为什么胡斐的爸爸总是输麻将？
zhe:coz he is hu yi dao?! erms then?
tiger:ya....so clever
Tiger:so people HU tongzi, suozi.... but his father always HU YI DAO

Tiger:another stupid joke.... which Chinese surname is the most ambitious?
zhe: HU (guessing since it's on xue shan fei hu..)
Tiger:why?
zhe: errr..coz always wana hu mahjong?
Tiger:becos..... HU (who ) wants to be a millionaire!!!
zhe:...................................
Tiger:yay!
yiquan: not funny

tiger: see how I embrace Xue Shan Fei Hu as our lit text!.... I even got the stupid jokes prepared....hahhahaa


yuzhe needs a cup of warm water...it's too cold...

People who should die

There are some people whom I strongly feel should die. Not really die per se, but well...just dying as a symbol of my irritation towards them. It'll be funner to organise them into different levels of death. Get back to me on this okay? As in like whether or not some of them deserve to live or something.

1. Die a horrible death
- Claire(the scheming one who planted explosives in both M and Z group)

- CGL for making UOC 06 the worst in history. my gratitude for every possible cock ups in every possible way.

2. Die for being embarrassing, or for being such gigantic poseurs
- CP

- the whoeva who brilliantly insisted on having a military camp exclusively for treasure hunt(if it's CGL, proceed to 1.)

-shi tian yu.

-this poseur guy who shouted cheekishly and disrepectfully at the Gatekeeper me "hey gaterkeeper! are you boring?" in front of girls. By the way, it's are you BORED not boring.


3. Irritating, but probably just round these people up and let them live under a bridge or something
-the stupid ah pek who charged me $10 from NTU to west coast park while trying to be nice and educate me what an expressway is.

-this digusting uncle that spitted right in front of me on 153 today.

- all blood-suckers in NTU hall offices.

-horrendous sexually deprived uncles who cast disgusting looks on young girls in MRT.

back from UOC camp sounding like a TOAD.urgh.but not without enjoying myself.=) how i wish i'm still a freshieeeeeeeeeeeeee...

I have run out of adjectives and/or opening lines to describe how absolutely great an event was.

Before the camp, everyone was really worried. Central issue being what if the freshies, being too snug in their comfort zones, refused to budge, refused to attend with an open heart not to mention Mambo's going to have 17 freshies—largest in the entire M group (or UOC) history. By extension this would have led to a meaningless orientation. I believe most of us prayed really hard for this.

Mambo

okie. i can see that MOST mambo-ians arent clubbers/cheongsters. THIS IS GOOD. hahah~ that diminishes the possibility of potential organized clubbing sessions in the future-->meaning more attendable outings for yuzhe^^V. But wait. WHY, i ask with a Capital W, is that no one wants to believe me when i told them i dont club at all? i am seriously an inside out guai girl( and a nerd~ yeah~^^).

The games were alright I guess. Nothing particularly different from last year's games other than the additional candle fight and the fact that there were quite a few BLATANT cock ups. The candle fight was so exciting that it was unbelievable (there's some biasness in this statement)! Mambo nearly became the champion of that league game! Though the other group got a little WORKED UP… it's a good game. they are so QIANG~~ Denyse and i were practically hugging each other and jumping around like jelly beans (okay jelly beans don't jump..and I hope those weird glances from some random people were only my ILLUSION)when we knew that we got into the finals Woohoo~. And I saw Mambos cheering their hearts out. I saw the utter injection of soul. I saw them lifting their hands high up in esctacy. I saw a bunch of freshies jump in jubilation.

It was so touching. Not only because they fought hard for the game, but also coz of the spirit I saw in their eyes. =) but i got so depressingly BURNT in sentosa. at least 2 tones darker!! sobs.. this is of little link but i just wana whine abt it you see.

I think Mambo was really fun in 2nd half of the camp after stepping out of NTU(is it the NTU-thingy or wat~^^). Sure, there might have been individuals who were largely very solitary, but I think my experience might've totally been different had I been with a different group of freshies. Joel, Denyse, Jon, Alex long and short,shuting( the aunite^^), ronghsan, xiaowei, mabel, xu cheng and ivan. thanks for all. It was pleasant. And great fun. I think Joel and Denyse did an excellent job as GL and AGL at this camp. Kudos go out to them. They were the yuzhe-proclaimed worship leaders, and I'd be damned if I didn't admit they did a hell of a good job. haha I believe they managed to, successfully, draw the freshies out from their sheltered abodes of inactive silence. Oh oh oh oh also, Joel was supposed to send the contact details so I'm not involved. See I'm pragmatically responsibility-shirking.

Knowing my inability to stop the mouth from working, I actually have a ton more to say. But I'm seriously damn beat now. Actually I believe most of the Mambo-ians were horrendously tired, too tired to retaliate and falling asleep even after the M group traditional night of ice and water. .so i shall update again after another 10 hours of sleep. yawns.

Thanks Mambo i love ya.

"you walk like an European woman"

克拉玛头涟漪轩的古典气息、满地的星光和喷泉加上土耳其酒吧那阿拉伯一千零一夜式的门窗和灯饰使这句话显得格外诗意。所以，我最没有防备。European woman 好有味道的说法，很浪漫，很法国。我忍不住微笑。

“Where are you from?”
“i'm a local.you?”
“Greece”

希腊。好美丽的国家。爱琴海的子民，西方文化的摇篮。爱琴海。。多迷人的名字。。它蓝得像天使的眸子，它承载着恋人的泪水和满腹的故事荡漾千年。。那么。。那么那些喝着花蜜的众神, 在宙斯的领导下，在神秘又美丽的神殿里过着糜烂的生活。。是那么地有人性。。不。。比人还冷漠，却又热情如火。。

“it's so wonderful to be a greek”
“i'm aware of that. thank you”
“it's a great civilisation”
“yes, a place of Thales, Plato, Socrates and Aristotle”
“and Homer and Aristophanes”

他愉快地笑了。当然，他有理由这么做。希腊给予他太充分的理由了。

“would you like to have a drink?”

他指着天方夜谭的灯饰，微笑地说。

“我想我已经醉了。。”
“i beg your pardon?”
“oh.i'm sorry to decline your offer. but i'm meeting my friends.”

他失望了。不过马上很绅士地点点头，又恢复了柔和的微笑。这就是为什么女人为欧洲男士着迷吗？

“i see. it's ok. i hope to see you again.”
“oh really?”我有点感动。
“really. i hope to see you again.=）nice meeting you”
“oh i'm flattered.=) me too”

我们又互相微笑了一下，然后朝各自方向走去。
一场邂逅，因为而短暂美丽，因为夜晚而迷人。

“我希望我的天空变得很希腊”
友：“huh? what?”

“没什么”

奶奶去世了

一个人走了之后，就会越走越远了。。。

我回来了。姐妹们，我想你们。
茜雅，我好想你。
这一趟行程，好漫长，好匆忙。几乎要把我那被迫放弃的时光在2个星期内补回来。一段被牺牲掉的时光。我知道，我已经不属于那儿了，尽管我努力尝试。可是，我也从来不属于这儿不是吗？这一点，茜雅，kan，琪，你们了解对吗？茜雅，我们以前说过吧，说也许就是这个共同点把我们微妙地联系着。就像一块夹心饼干，那心不属于任何地方，可是却是最甜、最有特色的。所以，在幸运与不幸之间，我宁愿选择前者。至少我珍惜亲情，原来有亲戚在身边的感觉这么幸福。

两个星期，我这么觉得我走了好久，久到觉得这儿反而有点陌生了。

I PASSED MY STATS. can you BELIEVE it?!

I'm tremendously satisfied despite the unglam D considering how MUCH ( or little) effort i put in. To sum up, i cramped the supposedly MOST challenging subject's 4 mth worth of work into 2 days...that's 48 hrs inclusive of sleeping and eating...without those that makes an estimate of say 26 hrs. (note: these 26 hrs includes ALL case studies and projects on stats given during the sem...which supposedly mean i owe lots of thanks to my rawking group members) Despite my last min struggle, the paper was tragic. So tragic that i have to read the books on the spot trying to FIGURE the concepts that apply to the quetions( which din turn out as geniuses usually do)...so other than the 10 multiple choice qns...i din rmb doing much for the REST of the paper...i REPEAT...IT WAS THAT TRAGIC. and oh, did i mention i skipped 5 or 6 out of 13/14 lessons?

Nevertheless, i passed. How did i manage to PASS is a miracle or mystery that can never be solved.

but still....a GPA of 3.0 is bad. All thx to Stats...but i shant complain coz D is the best grade i have been praying for thru all the long dark nights since the paper was burnt (by you-know-who).

So By Hook or Crook...heaven or earth...light or darkness...i'm going to work hard next sem. seriously need lots of As to neutralize D.

EVENTUALLY...?

Until one morning i'll wake and find i'm thinking about something else, and then i'll know the worst is over. My heart might be bruised, but it will recover, and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. It's happened before, it will happen again, i'm sure. When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive.

--- Paulo Coelho, "The Zahir"

i'm so sick. i just wana vanish and erase my existence.

Nouveau son - It was shiraz

First of May I met him In the town of Shiraz

Violins played away Dancing through the night

In my ears he whispered

Poems of colored passion All the rubies in the world

I would trade them for his poems

How I was mesmerized by his charm

Oceans so blue like his chentle eyes

I was in cloud nine and in heaven

But I would leave him standing by himself

Midnight bells of Shiraz Chimed as I held his hand

In his eyes he knew that I would leave

For the last time we kissed Knowing that I would leave

Like a king he graciously let go

It was in Shiraz

Midnight bells of Shiraz Chimed as I held his hand

In his eyes he knew that I would leave

For the last time we kessed Knowing that

I would leave Like a king he graciously let go

It was in Shiraz

i love this song.

flipping back 《伤心咖啡店之歌》, i'm now amazed at how apt the author is at merging all kinds of philosophies. With that, i shall say most earnestly--that 《伤心咖啡店之歌》is,essentially, Greek. I've advanced(with pride), from merely being marvelled by my virgin touch with philo (how innocent)to an amatuer able to spot certain prominent schs of philo. Pre-Socrates, Socrates(and Narcissus), Neoplatonism and even Skepticism. Liberation of the Soul ( Neoplatonism), to leave the embodied world of the senses behind so that 马蒂's emancipated spirit could achieve an esctatic union with the Divine--that's where real freedom and truth lies. “在冥想中她的意识不断扩大，扩大，扩大到弥漫充满了整个宇宙。她与宇宙等大，与她之外别无一物，连别无一物的概念都没有。于是不再因为找不到方向而彷徨，因为所有的方向都在她之内，自己就是一切的边境，所以不再有流浪。”That's the essence of the book. din comprehend the ending during the first flight with the book, the significance of mathi's death, now i see light.

Skepticism isnt at all that skeptic as it's..well name suggests. It merely suggests the only way to live a virtuous life was to dispense with philosophy altogther(ineffectively bothersome!) and stop asking such questions, as there werent any answers to them. Another enlightenment of Mathi before her momentous death. “山顶上的马蒂领悟了，生命的意义不在追求答案，答案只是另一个答案的问题，生命在于去体会与经历。”

guess i really love philo books apart from lit.that's why i love milan kundera and paulo coehlo.but great works are usually a combination of both. that's why i heart 红楼. And i'm skeptic, i mean the familiar skeptic. skeptic of all the things that we are doing or rather i'm doing for ourselves. i feel so sad looking at millions of ppl wasting most of their live, esp those most beautiful years, doing things that they find no pleasure in. some dont even realize how much they are forgoing in life even at their deathbeds.Just tell me how many accoutants LOVE their jobs you will get the pt. But then again, just like what biao quoted from huo yuan jia: 活着并不是一个人的事..we are so connected with the ppl ard us..so much so that my absolute right to do something could hurt, or even deprive others' rights. Responsibility's too hard (ethically and emotionally) to break away. Financial ability is so critical to maintain a reasonably good life. So, according to mathi, her 2nd enlightenment, what is experiencing life? experiencing such a life? is there a pt in experiencing? or is this the ultimate truth in life?

are you confused? i am. No wonder i'm not enlightened. coz im still questioning life. 因为..我是马蒂也是吉儿，是藤眺也是海安，是小叶也是素园。

掌柜的，我知道你是免费的，所以谢谢你的龙井，好香的龙井。顺便请你弹一下吉他，用你的C cord唱一下新谣。让你回顾过去，让我们陶醉今宵。

你们失望地闯进这个C cord民歌餐厅。也许是被5个自我陶醉的呆子吸引，慢慢地围过来，形成一个一点也不perfect的圆圈，随着轻轻的吉他声，也跟着哼起来。 你们让我惊觉，原来新谣不是掌柜年代的专利。我听到一个仪式的失望正在被另外一个仪式温柔地安慰着。如果说有一种莫名的心情联系着我们，应该是那份无法储存的感动吧。

深陷其中，我趁着某个不熟悉的旋律抽身离开。看着你们的样子，忍不住觉得很可爱、很幸福。一个掌柜，4个过来人，10几个可爱的老百姓，唱着同一首歌。

把房间收拾干净的感觉真好。
夜阑人静，晚风徐徐。 窗外不时传来夜归人回家的幸福，然后渐渐湮没在无尽的灯火中。 偶尔片刻的宁静显得特别珍贵。是一种让人的心慢慢地沉淀，渐渐化成冰凉又带点透明的感觉。 是一种安静得令我忍不住用心去聆听这种silence的感觉你知道吗？ 就好像回到了最初最初的世界。那个已经被大家遗忘的世界。 原来城市还能有片刻的朴素，虽然稍纵即逝。

这种时候最适合听Corrinne May 的歌了。如果能在这种情况下听是很幸福的。

很不巧，她的歌声正在我的耳边轻绕。(:

文艺复兴发生在最贫乏的时代，浪漫主义发生在最动乱的年代。长年累月的安详和和平通常是文化和思想上最呆滞、最无所作为的时代。我不是说安详不好，只是在这种已经“思想、感情、文化贫瘠”的今天，还不给予人们一点自由思考的空间是相当的钝化。环境的局限我们无从改变，只是在这种岌岌可危的现今却还企图完全抹杀自我思考的能力不是很令人害怕吗？这就是和平和安详的代价？

我并不希望社会动乱，我只是不削其手段。让反对党在国会有发表意见的权利并不为过。而且是谁说投反对党一票就等于选择了unemployement and slow downed economy? 这已经成为我们的潜意识（虽然逻辑上没根据）。适当的逆向冲击对大家都有好处。水至清则无鱼、阴中带阳，阳中有阴的阴阳图画着自然定律。

Grumbles from a pointless undergrad with nothing better to do

so polling day is finally here. Uni is killing the "future leaders of singapore" (translate that into chinese pls) into insipid thoughtless creatures that couldnt care less abt elections. (read: exams). it struck me as i was walking round Holland V the other day that i'm essentially very fond of this nation, because it is my Home. i've spent exactly half my life year now and saying that i love my nation because it is my home isn't some cop out argument or PAP diatribe about loyalty. i've grown up here, my teenage existence has been spent wandering round the likes of holland village, bukit timah and orchard road.

regardless, i feel particularly bleak when i think of PAP continuing as the ruling party for the next donkey years or so. erm not really bleak. i quite like pap considering i owe much of what i have now to pap, i'm truely grateful.

But let me be honest and say that i well and truly feel fed up, frustrated and oppressed here too. i know, i'm not some pakistani woman in a rural village with a husband that beats her, so perhaps i'm unjustfied in claiming that i feel oppressed in the traditional sense. i feel oppressed because i feel for the repressed dissidents, i feel indignant that because they do not believe in the mantra of staying together, moving ahead, they're made bankrupt, exiles, criminals or all of the above. and even though i haven't taken to walking around with a placard declaring my views on the death penalty and the like, it feels like with each opposition party member that they squash, they extinguish a little bit more of the soul of another singaporean. should i really take issue with a party that promises to create opportunities for Singaporeans, give our young the best start, encourage every citizen to play a role, do more for low income singaporeans, help older singaporeans to lead full and active lives or even, provide affordable healthcare for all? do i want an opposition, for oppositions sake?

i would say yes, because along with that carrot, there's always a stick of the removal of more of my civil and political rights. i don't feel like voting for a government that enforces conscription, the death penalty, unabashedly controls the media, detention without trial and (on what could be percieved as a trivial note), an inability to air my views in public places without first getting a permit by the police and having my speech vetted. i don't wish to vote for a party that has created a climate of fear and at the same time as successfully managed to placate people by telling them they'll get economic prosperity in exchange for the removal of their rights. logically, one can presume that then my rights now have a monetary value. perhaps its not the government's fault that people have sold out so easily, i mean considering that we were once a third world nation (gasp! shock! horror!), it's easy to go along with the plans of goh keng swee.

i'm pretty sure, we're no longer in that stage where i can place my right to development above my civil and political rights. and i'm sick and tired of hearing that we'll become like indonesia, thailand, philippines or whatever if we don't remain competitive. i think what the indonesians, thais and the lot of our apparently horrific neighbours have that we don't, is a whole lot more soul and fulfilment. yes, the poverty and corruption is appalling, but so is cronyism and repression. i really really liked gayle's argument [i hope you don't mind if i put it up here] because she's said it so well. the fact that they can snub Thaksin by not showing up for polls is a statement of pulbic rejection of the government and a poignant declaration of disappointment. It is also fascinating, isn't it, that people who warn us about the dangers of too much freedom always neglect to mention why so much chaos is happening in the first place. The Thais flooded the streets becaus they were angry at nepotism, possible corruption and the lack of transparency. They protested because of the lack of democracy, not because of its presence! The rioters in Nepal are mobbing because of martial law, because someone is trying to steal their freedoms! Arroyo's opposition is pissed because she might have resorted to underhand tactics to buy votes! Anger and instability happen where there is insufficient democracy. We in Singapore should be working to improve our democractic mechanism in order to safeguard ourselves against that kind of danger, not to wave it around like some sort of didactic forewarning of doom if, god forbid, the people have power. I'll be fair, yes, democracy is a pain in the ass at times. The Europeans in particular take to the streets for the stupidest reasons. But pointing to Thailand and the Philippines is just underhanded, exploitative and misrepresentive of the real and underlying reasons behind the unrest, many are very real and pressing in their own right .
And the best thing is, this isn't the first time they've done the look at us look at them thing. The scare tactics is dismal. it's even scarier when you hear people in hawker centres buying into the rhetoric. but then again, can you blame them when the media only reports one viewpoint and the political apathy works in your advantage because no one's going to find the real reason for the troubles. Are you also insinuating that the opposition is corrupt?

Another thing that really bugs me is the fact that civil liberties, human rights, etc are 'western' and therefore undesirable.lets be honest, individualism is irritating, americans are particularly frustrating when they go on about 'my rights', 'my rights', 'my rights'. but swinging to the other extreme doesn't seem to be an adequate response to selfish behaviour. and just because when one gets indiviual freedoms, we'll become selfish, neglect our parents, the state, or whatever. political and civli rights give people the opportunity to draw attention forcefully to general needs and to demand appropriate public action. states that failed to provide an adequate level of freedom seem to be terribly dysfunctional ones. living in singapore is probably close to living in stepford. seriously, at the end of the day, the poor excuse of economic prosperity in exchange for rights is as i mentioned earlier, putting a price on a universal belief system and more over giving a government adequate mandate to be a repressive, big-brother-esque state.

i'm kinda fed up with a lack of acceptance of other viewpoints and a constant need to be beligerant and declare that the PAP's values and policies are sacrosanct and cannot be subject to scrutiny. it feels like whenever the minister for life is questioned (recently by those journalists), the response is always quick, rapid and harsh, as if they have no right to do so. get off your high horse because you're not exempt from scrutiny, you're not a god, you're not perfect and when you make bad decisions or questionable ones at least, you should be questioned because you represent us. anyway, maybe that really is an asian trait, a complete objection to being scrutinized and told that you might be wrong. how disturbingly obstinate, not to mention self-righteous.the opposition needs to be there as a check against the PAP. with the excutive and judiciary being so intertwined what chance does one have should the government one day decide to invest in some failure half-arse project in china (oops too late) because friend of hsien loong is running the construction. someone should be made to answer for a loss of tax payer's money and cpf... completely contrary to the initial goal of helping people of lower-income families might i add [i don't believe the PAP knows best]. the opposition needs to be there to check that the PAP isn't always redrawing election boundaries, rewriting laws and constitutional practises that rob people of their rights more and more [currently we dont' have enough of an opposition to challenge anything that gets passed in parliment]. the opposition needs to be there because i want to see singapore surviving this socio-political cancer where we've become such a fugly society. we're ugly, and i honestly think that our government's got a big part in ensuring that we're competitive (read: meritocractic) to the point where we always need to one up our neighbour (read: malaysia) because if we don't we'll die because we're a small nation wiht no resources (scary.) if being singaporean is being kiasu then i'm not too keen on being singaporean. i think it's admirable to constantly improve oneself, lovely government mantra there, but either we take it to the extreme (read: education system) and have this awfully high suicide rate right up there with the south koreans.

yes, the opposition are a scary scary lot. but you know, i still have an immense respect for men like jbj who can still walk around day in day out and take the shit they throw at him. not too keen on chee though. i may not( in fact i dont)agree with some of their policies, or actions, but damn, they're brave brave souls. they're admirable because they're standing up for something that a lot of singaporeans don't give a damn about.sure they do really stupid things and we criticize them for it but i think singaporeans miss the plot a lot when we continually bash them down.they're doing something that needs to be done in this country and for that the pap wasn't returned to power today.my point is really you need more of them around, they seem stupid because it's just a couple of jokers right now, but what they're trying to put across is principally sound and does have just cause to be said.

North Korean Videos

Kim Jong-Il's Videos

In this video, three North Korean "Kindergarten genius kids" sing Kim Jong-Il a song. This is very disturbing if you notice the way their heads swing in unison.

"These flowers! These flowers!

These are our smiling flowers!

These flowers are blooming for

the good kindergarten children.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

The General's Love is inside them.

These are our smiling flowers!

These are happy flowers!"

Major incrediblely creepy.

Kim Jong-Il Video

Kim does stupid stuff while people sing of his glorious birth. It's really rather funny if you think about the lyrics and the ridiculous music, but when you consider what it must be like for the average North Korean (is there such a thing?) that they actually sing these hopelessly hyperbolic and unimaginable songs, it's really very frightening.

"When General KimJong-Il was born

the cloud opened upand he came

down from heaven,and then there was a

huge snowstorm.When General KimJong-Il shouts out

loudstorms always happen,HUGE STORMS ALWAYS HAPPEN!

Let's Go! Let's Go!Let's Go! Let's Go!Let's Go! Let's Go!

Kim Jong-Ilshouts to the mountains."

昨天，我见到了撒旦。他躲在自己暗淡的房里，哭得好伤心，对着床上那朵渐渐转黑，呻吟的玫瑰，毫不掩饰自己的脆弱。一室放荡形骸的，野兽的气味荡然无存。

我依着柱子，抽了一口烟，徐徐喷出白雾，再缓缓地享受着一圈圈妩媚的烟丝在耳际放肆地暧昧。“真没出息”。我掩饰自己嘲讽的表情，摇晃着杯中晶莹透明的红酒，微微地抬眼，走到撒旦面前，递给他。试图用最温柔的声线打动他。“园子里的玫瑰多的是，那一只不盼着得到你的宠爱？何必在乎这只半红不墨的？”。

他呆呆地盯着玫瑰。一动也不动。
我只好轻轻地挽着他的手臂，冲着他诱惑地笑了笑。“走吧，我陪你到院子里瞧瞧。”
他蛮横地一把甩开了我，比上帝还温柔地把玫瑰捧在掌心。
“咳。。咳。。”玫瑰微弱地咳嗽，颤抖着干枯的身体，落下了一片黑色的花瓣。 我想，它受不了烟味吧。我故意狠狠地再抽了一口烟。

“灭掉它。”撒旦拍了拍背后唯一的恶魔翅膀，以权威的口吻命令。我冷笑了一声，狠狠地不留痕迹地搜了玫瑰一眼，把烟偷渡到了身后。

撒旦把玫瑰捧到水晶灯层层叠叠的柔光之下。操控一切邪恶的房间亮起来。第一次。

“它不属于地狱。”撒旦自言自语，好现在回忆，又或许在向我解释。“so?”我耸了耸肩，细细地欣赏着脚上那双诱人的殷红秀花高跟鞋，心不在焉。

撒旦撕开了右背的封印。破衣而出的，竟是一只天使的翅膀。

我愕然。愕然于封印下的那流传的秘密。

他抖了抖那不太灵活，不属于地狱的家伙。白色羽毛，一个陌生又令我心慌的颜色，轻柔地洒落在房间的每一个角落，也落在了玫瑰的身旁。只有一片，倔强地落到了我的肩上，灼伤了我的肌肤。
我用魔铃般诱人的声音惊呼了一声， 迅速地用手扫掉了它。

“在我被上帝打入地狱的路上，我在边界看到了她。她。。。她一直偷偷地跟在我身后。”撒旦说了这一辈子最长的一句话。

我轻轻地娇喘着气，仔细地听着。
这该死、令人嫉妒的玫瑰的身世确实叫人忍不住好奇。

玫瑰又抖抖地咳了几声，弱的几乎听不见。

“我叫她回去。”他好像意识到自己的失态。

“她却央求我把她带到地狱。”

我不可思议地瞄了瞄玫瑰。想去地狱的玫瑰？荒谬、可笑得让人无法理解。

撒旦发现我的异样表情。脸上浮起一丝难以捉摸的自嘲，稍纵即逝。然后，转过身去。

“她说。。说。。请把我带在身边吧。从天堂带一样东西去地狱，让我守护您。”撒旦不习惯地狱藐视为煽情的语言，说得有点生硬 。

“。。。所以，她。。她是地狱里唯一。。一只红色的玫瑰。”他静静地说。我发现他在微微地颤抖。

我的心不听使唤地抽了一下。有一点刺痛的感觉。

玫瑰零落的花瓣又有一片变黑了。
撒旦又流下了一滴泪 。
泪，不经意地滴在了玫瑰花瓣上。
花瓣
竟然
变
红了。

我呆呆地站在哪儿看了许久，不知为何，弯下腰，拾起了那片白色羽毛。

完

--很久以前写的一篇小说。。也许是我最喜欢的一篇。。稍微作了一点修整。。有时间再细细雕琢吧。。

《我要唱一首华初的歌》

黄城夜韵。这四个字，是多少黄城人的梦？古老的VT又送走了一群深陷其中，无法自拔的黄城人。。我以为，黄粱一梦醒来，它已经远离我。。至少，可以以平静的心踏进VT，踏进Empress Place 9 号。玩具盒。死亡与天堂之间。阿公和阿芳的初会。七彩的爱情童话。闹鬼的chinese high clock tower。。的确，物换星移。。两年的空挡让所有的冲动迷失了方向。。不过，短暂的回忆还是被我用那15元的票霸道地买了回来。。即使就那么一点点。。不然。。为什么谢幕时，泪水在眼眶里打转？嘴不听使唤地唱了起来？所有的冲动，所有的感觉，就在那一首歌中如沉睡的蝴蝶破蛹而出。。但是。。这股冲动已经不一样了。。我是知道的，不是以前的深陷其中，而是单纯、单纯的感动，是以一个过来人的身份，享有着她应得的那份珍贵的回忆、那份对黄城的牵挂。。不是悲伤，而是sweet remeberance。。那晚。。莱佛士的雕像好像对我笑了。。

我真的很爱很爱华初。。很爱很爱黄城。。i'm proud to be a Hwa Chongian..it's the first sch that i ever loved..and probably the last..

我要唱一首华初的歌 一首永远的歌唱出我们的光明前程 唱出华初的精神
我们明年黄城夜韵再见！

yuzhe is here to declare a peice of devastating news to all IBM users( perhaps that's why IBM is sold to Lenovo==>china company): her beloved IBM thinkpad's hard disk CRASHED like a FUJITSU. In fact..comparing a crash proof Thinkpad with a Fujitsu is already a shame to you IBM! The following is taken from IBM website "For your convenience, we have free reserved car park* lots and free flow of coffee for all customers at the center. Chances are, you may never need us. But in case you do, it's good to know we're there." I'm laughing my TEETH off. bleah.

i surmise i'm the PROTOTYPE of having an IBM with crashed hard( which isnt very hardy) drive. maybe i deserve an accolade or something to commemorate this...( at least i have the honour of being the first in SOMETHING )..but seriously...i see NO reason why such luck should descend on me...i wasnt seeing anything squalid (never did i! i would never undertake any risk to defile my eyes!)...neither do i have the habit of dl movies/songs(except Memiors of a Geisha perhaps) or any hideous software that would jeopardize my beloved thinkpad...i have updated Virus scan and Virus updates...strong invincible firewall and above all..anti-shock protection..all this poor lass was doing was browsing through my ACCT project outline on Edventure and chatting away on the msn..why on earth do get my hard disk crashed??!?!*cries*..this is just as bad, if not worse than the first incident when my innocent Thinkpad got intruded by TROJAN horse on an equally innocent night when i went out for dinner.. (xiya got her share of scolding by me though =D)..the meal was good the weather was fine my day was brilliant...until i saw NORTON's face...to make things worse...the only running prog on thinkpad was msn...that was simply great. i'm prob one in a million and i'm just the lucky one....buying lottery can guarantee a higher probability of striking rich( read btw the lines: i shd buy lottery =D)...bad luck never visits without a buddy...i realized that IBM's service centre is at....*drumroll"....CHANGI!!! bravos!!!! (back ground music: DONT CRY FOR ME argentina)

sigh..i hereby declare that i have the right to be HEAVILY COMPENSATED by IBM...

太感人了。。林志炫的歌声。。什么是沉醉，什么是莫名的伤悲，他毫无保留地就那么潇潇洒洒地告诉你。。

after reading your mail...xiya...i wana goooooooooooooooooo to the states to BOOST THEIR ECONOMY!--->for hols~

Lets have a SIS clan hols to the states!

茜雅，我们过得很好。好久没有这种感觉了，我终于觉得，活着，并不是只为了呼吸。也许是因为，我一直见到姐妹吧。总觉得，他们是我的氧气，只要和他们处于同一个空间里，一切都变得好舒服、好自在。。

昨天回了一趟华初，看了看黄城。正巧tiger在前线保卫国家（虽然我并不为此感到生命更有保障。。）终于也不知为何，买下了过期的华韵29。也许，我是想买下我们在华初留下的颓垣废墟，也好为我们的历史画上一个圆满的句号。我看到了我的创作、琪的、kan的。。有点惊艳，不敢相信那时的自己。。心，有点酸酸的。。在还没会意过来时，它又有技巧地消失在心底的某一方，摸不着岸、看不见底。。我终于了解为什么舞会为自己的生命做那样的决择。。 两只飞舞的血色蝴蝶，是她最好的归属。。在这个陌生又熟悉的城市。。（不知为何。。心里又传来一阵酸楚。。）
琪。。微笑的天使鱼。。我终于记住了。。没有悲伤的人，只是选择了快乐。。不会流眼泪的天使鱼就应该是快乐的吗？这一点，我门心知肚明、心照不宣。

kan，一首忘不了，醉生了昨夜，梦死了今朝。。“老天爷是公平的，它给了我们机会选择。但不公平的是，它给我们的选择。”这句话。。是不是punchline不重要了。。重要的是，它在我心里挖了一个洞，住了进去。

生日到了。这意味着我又向死神迈进了一步。可笑的是，全世界却沉迷于对死亡的欢呼中。可笑？其实也没什么。生死的界限模糊得像每天不断与我擦身而过却几乎身处于不同空间的人。死并不是生的相反，而是其中的一部分。忘了在哪读过。好像是村上春树吧。老套的说法，不过我们都在把这种叫做死亡的东西，向空气般吸入肺里存活着。

好哲理性的话题哦。问什么我会写这段文字呢？我也不知道。突然想到就写吧。在这除了键盘上我得手、跳动的文字、头顶上4极旋转的电风扇和流动的空气之外，一切处于静态的房间里。

其实生日又怎样呢?就如琪所说。。我对于手腕上那00：00 四个单调和空洞的数字没有任何特殊的情感。 我实在察觉不到1月6日的00：00和1月5日00：00的不同。难倒我在这一瞬间成熟了吗？很遗憾的。没有。真正有变化的可能只有长了0.00001mm 的头发和下个星期要完成的任务，哦~还有突如其来21岁学要承担的法律责任。谁真的去在乎年龄呢？"There is a certain part of us that lives outside of time. Most of the time we are ageless." --Milan Kundera
也许只有在生日和填表格的时候，我们才会意识到年龄的存在。

那生日的哲理性和他的平凡又什么关系呢？
当然，我会很村上地说
这两者一点关系也没有。

生日怎么可以少得了生日谢词呢？
（ahem ahem)
我要感谢所有记得提醒我死亡。。。哦不。。 生日的人们（哈哈。。）
真的谢谢你们。。rong, yun, wen, 彪、琪、茜雅、yirui(对于并不敢奢望记得你生日的人，会多出一分特殊的感动--〉we tend to take things for granted -_-），moogles, ICFF mates...还有好多好多人。。。
当然。。最重要的。。我要谢谢我的父母。。虽然，你们很少记得这个日子。。谢谢你们生下我。。还得忍气吞声抚养我长大。。可是冥顽不灵的我一次又一次地让你们失望，你们却总是毫不犹豫地原谅我的任性。。导演只给我们1分钟的时间。。。所以。。。摄影师等一下。。just a second!

谢谢你们。