Amazing how we've changed. While fanciful and loud designs were our only choice for blogskins in the (not so distant) past, we've begun to appreciate the beauty of simplicity. Or should i say to avoid--complexity.

i have been idling for the past three weeks. i cannot recall a single activity since i have returned that can be considered as adding value to the lives of anyone around me (apart from the heavy injection of cashflow into the singapore economy). yet there is a certain value and importance in this idleness. projecting the next twenty years of selling my life to the corporate devil, i will be working like a donkey. not to mention more years of studying should i intend to sneak back to college to catch a breath. life after this long summer vacation will cease to be the same. how often will i ever get to laze around at home waking up late, read the papers over coffee and cereal, watch endless online television (thank god for youtube). or the liberty to pick up the telephone and meet up with someone i haven't seen in a while. or the inspiration to casually write for personal pleasure. So idling is a luxury and i choose to treasure it.

Speaking of which, so as i was busy attending gatherings and meet ups, it suddenly hits me that i have exhausted nearly all of my summer vacation. In a week's time, I'm going to wear my corporate bondage and slave myself in beijing. oh, I just came to receive the details of my intern working hours. A typical 9 to 6 corporate life with an estimated 3 hours(horror) of travelling per day (given beijing's tragic traffic condition). As soon as i read through the details, it suddenly occurred to me that this may be the end of my social life for the next 6 mths. So if you love me and you care for my social well-being, do ask to meet me. =) and we will have dinner. or lunch. or whatever suits your fancy. (probably not breakfast). those in singapore and the states, CALL me when you are free--->I'm making myself very clear yea? =p

人都是会变的。再寻常不过的道理。曾经认为很重要的，到头来终究是经不起时间的考验的。这倒也没什么。就好像change is the only constant那种说法。过去的人不一定会陪着我们走未来的路。所以我们总是不断地在收获、失去、邂逅和错过。没什么好高兴的，也没什么好哀伤的。

我其实很害怕有那么一天，我们都在生活里迷失了自己。

当大家都默默地离去，然后渐渐忘了那所有所有的曾经，我会将那时的记忆也夹在我们的照片里。 也许会在很多年后的一个黄昏，我走不动了，不想走了，从偶然翻开的日记中落下这些已经泛黄的照片。而回忆，那些尘封的回忆，就会从那里破蛹而出，单纯地为我们真的活过作见证。那时的我，一定会哀伤地泛着泪光，拼命地想回到那笑中带泪过去。可是，回得去就不是过去，这就是时光。而时光是停不住的，因为时光一直都在。停不住的，是我们在时光面前脆弱的--自己。

然后，我就会竭尽所能不让自己连这些仅有的回忆都失去。。。

and so I am finally back, welcomed by the familiar but uncomfortable perspiration rolling down the sides of my face. much has happened for the past two weeks. Jetting between exceedingly chilly and rainy kunming, cooling guangzhou, sunny xiamen and hybrid-of-all hangzhou, It seems that the weather had been the most unkind and fluctuation is the only consistancy in the weather. As I pray for good weather, the past weeks havce seen the highest and the lowest in my mood patterns with complete unpredictability. Strange how it follows a period of peaceful serenity. Oh well.

Despite the weather, the china experience has been excessively meaningful and inspiring at times. I’m in love with the friends I’ve made, be it fellow singaporeans or the chinese. I’ve seen with my eyes of bewildered wonder, a country of amazing potential. I’ve seen for myself the strong motivation and drive for success of the chinese people. I’ve seen for myself the enormous pool of talents that dwarf our existance and how weak our education system has proved to be in blatant comparison. This is not to render the singapore education a total failure, our linguistic advantages and all-rounded education (aka CCA invovlements) with world perspectives equipped us with significant capabilities (as what we have been constantly reminded to take pride in). But seldom does the peacock in us realize the opportunity costs that inevitably follow – a relatively weaker command of both languages, a jack of all, master of none. If I may so postulate, these unavoidably resulted in the unspeakable lack of globally respected/recognized academia and a strong reliance on foreign researchers/talents. It is, of course, in the government’s policy and interest that the education system is essentially economically driven ( we do owe our tiger miracle to them) and I see a palpable similarity with the Spartan way of governing a country, more subtle certainly. While Singaporeans are blinded by our past success, the humble giant’s efforts to learn and model after thriving economies has seen its rapid improvement in just a matter of years. As Singapore prides itself in the human capital it has, what about the abundant supply of talented human capital and natural resources that larger countries have? Competitve adventage is always in comparison is it not?

It is a matter of time that the sleeping giant will overtake Singapore. I’m quite sure of it.

10 random facts/weird things or habits (since i'm innocently tagged by Mr Joel Thomas)

Rule of the game: each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own 10 weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks.

1. Give me a stool and i could isolate myself in silence for 24 hours at the age of 3 ( a phenonmenon that, i believe, resulted in the early development/retirement of my brain:p)

2. My mom was nearly on the brink of breakdown when she couldnt find me in any possible corner of the house, only to realize i'd quietly unlocked the door, CROSSED the road and ended myself in a nearby park at the age of 3

3. I have memories all the way back to 3 (as seen from above)

4. I was (and still is) constantly in my own world (as seen from above).

5. I love to play songs in repeat mode for hours and seldom get tired of it.

6. I adore the woody scent of books. Catch me flipping through the pages under my delicate nose if you can.

7. Secretly likes drawing/painting, but takes lots of will power for that very first stroke.

7. My old room key always ended up unplugged at the keyhole for the entire night. I know its whereabouts whenever i cant seem to find it.

8. When room keys advance with techonology (access cards), the problem manifested itself in a different manner: i forget to lock the door.

10. It's a miracle that i still manage to survive pretty well.

“我发现你好像真的从来不会回头的。而别人只能跟着你的步伐走。”

“是吗？”

“所以，你要不要尝试偶尔回头看看？”

“偶尔。。。回头看看？”

“对。不然你永远都在追寻，而不知道自己到底失去了什么。。”

--《海豚湾恋人》

betrayal. it's a vicious cycle. the longing to betray at our tender youth and then, at some distant future, feeling pangs of conscious. the urge to betray will be here again: to betray our own betrayal.

there is beauty in everything before our eyes. sometimes all things around us point towards and focuses your attention on something so magnificently grand and imposing - that may be beauty. yet the most beautiful things in life exist everywhere, in every nook and cranny of all buildings, in the lives of ordinary people like you and me - an elderly couple walking down the sunset beach hand-in-hand or a child with teary eyes of hope and faith.

life is beautiful and it will always be. (=
or perhaps, i'm just born fortunate enough to appreciate it.

life in uni is hectic by nature of the demanding workload. my week just passed me by without notice - partly because i have been too buried in my textbooks to differentiate night from day. while i remain convinced that i am in one of the most demanding courses in the university, i have gradually begun to accept what i'm having and have ended myself into. today is a self-enforced no-revision day:). maybe its a "burnt-out" reaction - i just could not make myself understand anything i was reading. faded was the initial obsessive drive to save my most disappointing(and sadly deserving) GPA which had seen me work non-stop in the first week of exams. Ironic it may seem, i secretly enjoys the long weeks of examinations when i can truely have some quality time with my textbooks and making real sense out of the past semester. The feeling of carrying on from where you left off exactly is almost surreal. haha. and yes, to be alone yet comfortable, away from everything...i look forward to the much-deserved breather with 3 months worth of vacation!

Academics aside, let me tune my time back to the emotionally restless night (previous post). Admist my recollections of the past, it pains me to know that of all things i have experienced, i could never live them again. life is beautiful only because you live once, for if you could repeat every experience ad infinitum you lose the most precious inherent value of existence - das schwerste gewicht, nietzche. the first fall of snow in winter. the first blooming rose in spring. the first ray of sunlight in summer. the first falling leaf in autumn. the first flight away from home. the first death of loved ones.the first crush in my teens. the first failure in my life. It is all these firsts that made me who i am. Inexplicable it may seem, this is essentially us.

It is in this silent happiness and bliss that I curiously pen this entry. (and painfully realized my no-revision day has passed. )Back to my bed and textbooks i shall go. =)

This term has ultimately taken its toll on me. I could feel myself crumbling under the immense weight of everything after slaving myself for the past 5 days; each passing day is a struggle. A struggle against stress, a struggle against temptation. I could just do no more of this mess, writing not a single word, thinking not a single thought. Hour after hour, I glanced forlornly at my clock. I saw the hour hand move with an uninterrupted regularity which characterised the inevitable passing of time. I couldn't stop it; and after a while, I couldn't hurry it. Yet the more i struggle, the faster and deeper i sink and plunge into a sea of never-ending work. I have never experienced such conflicting yet complementary feelings of despair and desperation. Behold. the next 2 weeks of utter sleep-deprivation. I'm in one of the rare occasions where the thought of believing in the mysterious powers of the divine liberates me (slightly).

I was lying on my bed from midnight in full anticipation of my first paper(which ended in tragedy)with my eyes closed, i desperately tried to get rest. but after tossing and turning with a pounding heart, my mind was a caged animal set free. I thought of the past, I thought of the future. I thought of the worst moments, I thought of good memories. I faced my worst fears and my deepest phobia and I felt an urge to pen down my thoughts, but i need to force myself to get proper rest. Interesting how peculiar we can get at absolutely critical (and wrong) timings.

Incoherence is celebrating its victory over me. I'm just in a schizophrenia talk to myself. Dont bother.

我们都是一面支离破碎的镜子
用尽了一生的精力
只不过想拼回一个完整的自己。。

My Secret Garden

有几个星期天，都被迫回到学校。不知道是不是一种自虐，还真的很喜欢在这个时候回学校。那种宁静和散漫的气氛真的让人很舒服。走在cant A 的天桥上，四周一个人都没有，连汽车都躲起来了，只有懒散的阳光，微微的风不敢太张扬，只是很调皮地卷起飘落的落叶和花瓣。想要一个人的时候，寂寞成了一种享受。少了吵杂的人群，这里似乎成了一个被人遗弃的文明。偶然闯入了这个的废墟的我走入了一个神秘的世界，抚摸着废墟里的桌椅瓦片，它们还是那么地有生命力，仿佛族人的消失只是昨天的事。 它们每一个都隐藏着一段耿耿于怀的心事吧。那是一股历史的沧桑。在永恒的时间里，每个人的存在渺小得可怜，世事烟飞云散，所有所有的曾经也只留下几页绮丽古纸，几页散落在人间的罕为人知。。。这样的一个地方，在岁月的河流里流浪，在时空交错的感情里感伤、也许也独自在夜里为它的患得患失而黯然神伤。。

“Blog is really a powerful tool for people to share their daily lives or some thoughts which is not easy to verbalize. I have came to realized how powerful words are and especially how beautiful the Chinese language can be if you are able to use it correctly. A few words can mean so much as compared to English. This is not to say that English is not good but it is just a comparison. I never was interested in Chinese before and find it a torture especially to write in Chinese. How I managed the A2 in Os is pure hardwork or memorising and practise. Now I appreciate what Chinese language can do but still it is not enough to motivate me to *ah-hem* improve my command of this language.”

也许你不知道，当我看到你部落格上的这段字，心里悄悄地感动了好久好久呢。。因为，它对我来说，真的很有意义。。

我在巴黎的火车站，遇见一个拉风琴的少年。 他懒散的神情和随意的打扮吸引了我的目光。我好奇地走上前和他聊天。他说他多年来就是这么拉着风琴过生活。我问这样一无所有的生活会不会太没有意义和空虚。他没有回答，开始继续刚才被我打断的曲子。

“为什么不回答？”我问。
他笑了笑。“因为，你并不是在问我啊。”然后被起了背包，消失在人群中。

于是，某种东西，开始深深地印在我的脑海里。
我也笑了。因为，我也找到了我的答案。

巴黎的夜晚，还真的有点冷。我把双手藏进黑色的大衣里，在越夜越美丽的浪漫之都，独自漫步着。

--期待着巴黎的明信片。

身边的人用无法挽留的速度经过。

我以为在人这么多的地方更容易找到交谈的对象，才发现不是这么一回事。或许是相遇随手可得，所以不再珍惜。或许是可以接触的人多所以分散了关心。

然后，我渐渐发现我正在被人群那种庞大的漠不关心和迅速的来来去去给淹没。开始，我慌张了起来，想歇斯底里地大叫，而我的话语却被人群用不留痕迹的匆忙掩盖住。夜晚，我终于习惯、终于不再慌张。我开始变成人群里的一份子、我终于和大家一样了。不再突兀，也分不出哪个是自己，只是一片模糊。我不知道这是悲哀还是幸福，只是感到茫然、麻木。

在一片深不可测的黑暗里，我终于流下第一滴眼泪。在失去自己而得到別人认同之后，窗外灯火通明地那么热闹着。

而寂寞却更加鲜明。

--黄俊郎

所以，我们都去看了黄城。
是去看戏，也是看人。

或许真的老了，有些让大家哄堂大笑的笑话，怎么好象觉得已经并不是很好笑了。原来我们大家真的在改变。。当然黄城是不会变的，不管戏好不好看，对黄城人来说，上演了就是精彩的。因为我们对黄城有太多的包容和怜爱，因为黄城对过来人的意义在于谢幕和那首一辈子也忘不了的歌曲。纵然有再多的批评，在歌声响起的瞬间，都变成了温柔的回忆。毕竟，我总觉得这么多年来，只有黄城的那两年才是真正地为自己而活。怎么不知不觉三年就这么过去了，怎么觉得离开黄城的这段日子几乎是一片空白。

突然意识到为什么大学显得那么寂寞，那么难熬。雅，那种没人能了解的感觉，我想我是知道的。所以，对于城外的人，总会带点不言而喻的距离，无论他们有多好。

---记黄城夜韵07

The suffocation is killing me brutally. Slicing me into pieces, draining my blood dry. I stare into the broken mirror, the red is invading all dimensions. My flesh is falling apart. I want to moan, but my lips are torn. My ears are pierced before the loved words. I cant smell the sweet luring scent of my blood. Senses, are splashed onto the floor like a beautiful piece of art. I admire in pain and terror with my disfigured eyes. I know why my eyes are still there, an inner voice tells me, to witness every dismantling of me, in such beautiful cruelty. And I tremble with esctacy.

Everything’s gone but something’s still there. I look into the mirror. Crimson as ruby is the heart. I laugh with my eyes. And a fierce pang of pain shoot through the heart. Bitter, bitter is the pain. Harder, harder i laugh.

I laugh so hard that a film come over my eyes.
And my eyes fall off, with a drop of hanging red desperately clinching to the tip of the lashes.

The last tear I manage.
The last drop of my blood.

The heart stops.
And the broken mirror shatters into pieces.

Paris, Je T'aime 的小惊喜：

法国人也爱读村上
王尔德生命中最后的幽默: My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.
______________________________________________________

So chyi and I were discussing about European lit on our way back from Paris, Je T'aime.

琪：“茶花女因该很穷吧。。”

哲（觉得问题很复杂）：“为什么这么说呢？”

琪（其实想得很简单）：“茶花女不是卖茶花的吗？”

哲：“！！！！（晕倒）”

琪：“eh?不是吗？？”

哲：“...”

琪：“shit.”

注：茶花女（La dame aux camélias) is a novel by Alexandre Dumas, fils. It is a story of a young man who has an affair with a courtesan, Marguerite. His father ends the affair, and Marguerite dies of tuberculosis. Apparently the much loved Moulin Rouge was adapted from this story.

I REALLY WANT TO WATCH THIS FILM

My wireless connection has been retardedly down for god-knows-what reason for the entire day. After hours of physical and psychological wear and tear, I simply accept that technology is stronger and more powerful than me: it works when it wants to, and when it doesnt, it's best to sit down and read a book or go for a walk , and just wait until the cable and network links are in a better mood and the computer decides to work again. I am not, i have discovered, my computer's master. It has a life on its own.

I've tired a few more times, but i have learnt from experience that it's best to just give up. The internet, the biggest library in the world, has just decided to close its doors to me for the moment.

AND I HAVE RESEARCH TO BE COMPLETED BY TONIGHT. BRAVO. The reason why i managed to post my frustrations is the act of illegal theft of random neighbour's wireless. Courtesy to the loopholes of technology.

“不知道从什么时候开始，我竟然忘了如何笑了。”

“然后呢?”

“于是，我在镜子前不停练习。可是镜子里的那张脸却还是目无表情。”

“也许你只是忘了什么是快乐。”

有時候，会无意之间弄丢一些重要的东西。有時候，丟掉了才发现其实那是无比重要。因此，我們害怕。我們刻意把重要和不重要的东西都保存着，养成了收藏癖、变成了收集狂。然而，最后却发现空间塞满的，其实全是不重要的東西。

重要的。。总在別处

“放我走好吗？”

“怎么了？”

“我只是累了”

“连他们也要放手吗？”

“这是一种足以鼓足勇气放弃一切的疲倦。”

其实真的很想悄悄地消失。
然后变成什么都不是。
没有名字。没有身份。没有过去。没有牵挂。

没有语言。