imagine a gulag in the depths of inner mongolia or something of that sort. zoom in on the faces of emaciated people toiling away, shivering in the sub-zero temperatures. then pan out, and there's yuzhe warm and toasty in an eskimo suit beaming happily from outside of the barbed wire fence, taking a happy touristy shot, waving cheerfully at the POWs and then traipsing off into the sunset.

that pretty much sums up my sentiments now. i am one of the LUCKY FEW in the ENTIRE batch, whose exams have ended on tuesday. the rest will be mugging all the way up till god-knows-when. i shall shut up before someone decides to drop a crate of unheard-of Engineering(or what) textbooks on me and squish me into oblivion.

but liberation is sweet. :)

the past week has been nothing but MUGGING. IT textbook is probably permanantly etched into my retinas. i am not a natural at IT, and my brain processes such information at the speed of bangkok traffic.
As such i spend about 10 times more time mugging for IT than a humanities subject( Business LAW) (read: virtually nothing for humanz). but NEVER AGAIN will i have to tolerate DRAM and database or 3G phones and stupid tablet pcs.

this makes me very happy. yeah. i'm not going to think about the possible permutations and combinations of my result. no. i'm going to embrace everything with an open heart( esp for IT).

Your Personality Is

Rational (NT) You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas.You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy! Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people.In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally. You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought.Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals. In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent. At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia. With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well. As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly. On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.

The Three Question Personality Test

this is as true as it can possibly get. BFX

时光是那么地神秘，像风一样，看不见，抓不住。你无从感觉他的存在。只有在风起时，散落在四处的文稿才让我愕然发现---那是散落一地的生命碎片。。

我心痛地拾起它们，细细地重新回过头来审视这些遗失的自己，恍如面对生命里无法言传去又复返的召唤。那是要用直觉去感知的一种存在，是很难形容的一种疼痛中又微带甘甜的战栗。那种疼痛在有意无意之间化为低落在稿上的透明液体。而在这一切之间，我终于又重新碰触到那几乎已隐而不见，藏在极深极深的海底、却又从来不曾离开的心。

我用泪水把它们细细地包裹，纵身一跃，向极深极深的海底游去，去找那个美丽的匣子。
让它们在匣子的怀中日渐化作一颗晶莹剔透。。

我发现我欠好多我珍惜的人--生日债。。
安琪。维彪。瑞宁。还有KAN（这要看他还是否健在）
没办法。。 考试后再说吧。。我就找一天拉他们（不需要拉维彪~：D因为会在那里找倒他)去草根。。木船。。

lucifer by glen duncan-- how it's like to be The Devil, Lucifer himself.
it's interesting, laced with dark thoughts, something to feed the darkness i feel. it almost borders on blasphemous, me thinks, but it's insightful. "Temptation's less about wearing someone down with repitition than it is about finding the right phrase and dropping it at the right time." how amazingly true- i couldn't have put it any better myself. choice- the one thing that can redeem and at the same time, doom us. forgive my lack of eloquence- basically, that's one of the themes of the book. we are defined by the choices we make.
..the ideas, the theories, the Bible rewritten in what might be the other side of the story.. it's captivating and yet it makes me question, makes me wonder.

i felt sad after finished it, lucifer. what's heaven like? in the book, Lucifer's fall from grace resulted because he wanted to live in a world without God as its center. (this is by no means accurate, but a variation of possible truth) his price for freedom, in the book, was eternal damnation. thing is, heaven is a wonderful place right? there's no sickness, no guilt, no sinners- we are redeemed by the ultimate act of salvation. but our whole life in heaven is supposed to be dedicated to glorifying God. there is no freedom, in that sense- we can't do what we want for ourselves, no selfish needs. where does that leave us then? eternity serving God and doing nothing else sounds... long. sometimes i wonder if i have it in me because i am so selfish, because i am so human.

because of the exams i'm going through one of these gawd-i-wish-i-were-on-vacation-moments argh.

i want to go to MoMA [the Museum of Modern Art], screw the MET. this place has the most fantastic collection of modern art! you know all the paintings that you've ever been learning bout in art classes? they've got 'em all. i could literally put my nose up against every pointalism painting they had. Did i mention they had at least 8 seurats?

and stary night, despite its cliches (being a van gogh, being a van gogh on every damn calender, having bad songs sung about it)surprisingly manages to take your breath away.

pay my respects to picasso.
i want to buy his "3 Musicians" and the " night cafe" should I ever have roughly an infinite amount of money in loose change/ oh and "the painting that changed art history forever"...at least according to some people, a painting of crudely drawn naked prostitutes (:

i still like it though, there's a je ne sais quoi to it.
it's quirky of course there was Warhol and every single lovely campbell's soup can ever printed and monroe who we all loveMatisse - minus the snail which is in the Tate Modern, always sublimeMarcel Duchamp and the Wheel on a Stool, personal favourite/best title given to a piece of work "Stare through the crack with one eye closed for an hour"all the surrealists. totally surreal, totally dreamlike and at the same time all too realistic for a painting.. my favourite italian futurists (: all in one building at that chagal!

and of course the only 2 American men I can actually stand as artists Rothko and Barnet-Newman. Warhol is international property :Pand Pollock. i love Pollock. could i love anyone more than i love Pollock?(well, yes)

but heck, i love Pollock. Pollock = Greatest inspiration. Much love to Pollock.hell, you can say it's just a splatter. but when you see these splatters on that massive scale,you kinda take a step back and go "wow."

Upon second watching( from unspeakable sources), I have decided that the familifying of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory wasn't as sacrilegious as I had previously thought, and I enjoyed it immensely after that. (ok..so wat am i doing admist the preparations for exam? oh the pt is, did i ever embark on that sacred mission anyway?)

watched it with my little bro. seeing it with him, as nice as it was to see him [note my use of a quantifier!], diminished the johnny depp gawking experience. i heart johnny. though, i do believe i prefered him more in pirates simply because he looked less like michael jackson and well, more like a man. i mean, i like androgeny, i just wouldn't like to fuck it. it's like how some articles of clothing are just meant to be appreciated and not worn. it was totally unlike how i imagined the book to be [except for the edible grass bit, which was scarily spot on] but i loved it! first time that happened too, i mean usually if you really like a book, when a movie doesn't conform to your point of view you end up hating it, but this one was cool. complete acid trip. which is why i heart tim burton as well. it had his stamp all over it, all the houses/buildings were like transplanted from the nightmare before christmas set. the best bits were the really trippy ones, with all the references to 5th Dimension (Good Morning Starshine), The Beatles and St.Pepper...Didn't particularly like the back story, or the hallmark approved ending. Dahl was never big on that type of gig anyway. And was it just me? but did charlie merely win because everyone was an utter arse? And [this is an afterthought] i didn't quite like Johnny as Willy Wonka [*gasp* blasphemy!]..yeah he made the character his own but that's precisely what was so wrong (?) with it. then again, i've got my own preconcieved notions of how the book should be interpreted and johnny's portrayal just doesn't fit in with my worldview.


BUT, it occured to me that despite the trippy quality of the film, it was, at its basis, a children's film. I asked the my kid brother what he thought of it and he said he enjoyed it, and when it comes down to it, that's all that matters - that kids enjoy it. That's always been what Charlie's about, making children happy. So as much as purists and almost adults who grew up reading and loving Charlie go "WTF WONKA HELLO?", the most important people are the children watching it now. While being admittedly kind of trippy, it achieved that, so it fulfilled it cause.

someone just sent this to me, it's kinda cool so have a read

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.I

am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.I

am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

post this if you believe homophobia is wrongso... the last one's a little cheesy, but we'll live.

i'm feeling the pain. Why are you doing this to yourself? i sense you are suffering, i see you are sufferring, you tell me you are suffering.. and there's nothing i can do here. " talk to me to 8 45. i wan to talk"..do you know how this sentence aches my heart? i hate this blardie helpless feeling. i wana cry. serious. it isnt good seeing the special person tt you treasure so much torturing herself and i can only say take care take care take care...it's useless..you tell me you will..you tell me not to worry..but i know it's not gonna be like tt..but WAT CAN I DO?! damn it! i couldnt think of a better thing to say...

but why you? of all ppl why do i feel such affinity towards you? i cant find a reason.it doenst matter how far we are, if doenst matter whether we even talk to each other...certain things just doenst matter..nothing can explain..it's like my destiny..i can feel so much for your situation i dono why. others i don give a blardie damn. and yet, i'm seeing you piercing yourself with your own thorns, bleeding yourself dry. i cant stop it neither can i leave it. i can only suffer with you. it's weird..ppl do have expectations for others. i have non for you. don ask me why.. coz no matter how much you've changed... i ll take you as you are..
strange as it seems but it's true..the naked sense sometimes see too little - but then always they see too much.

me cai yirui and jinghan~  

me and cai again...y? coz she's damn amazed by my British Airways~~ -__________-lll.. 

me and cai~ she's in hall 13 wor~ serious i think my class has tonnes of chiobus(pls refer to class photo)~ haha... if any of yall interested tell me~hahah! =D..anyway...the background is nice hor! 

ppl~ cover your ears! ZHIHUI's HERE! haha this gal is loud and cheeky as ever.. 

anyway...this is the REAL difference in height~~..SORRY XIAO P!! my bao bao!! haha~ bi bao rox~ 

stary stary night~~ the MAF committee did a good job for the lightings~i love this photo! 

the pretty pretty lanterns at the central plaza! 

a bit blur...but PW grp!! yes the horrendous PW..haha~ gosh...i'm qutie impressed by whoever who starte the PW photo taking thingy..i mean..WHO ll rmb tt?!!?haha! 

A13!!! but xiya hon amm shiyu zhiwei and stella are no longer there...haiZ..ziqian is somehow as extra as ever!!hahahah! 

MAF! heehee Jing yirui and me!! 

i felt bloody rudy stupid today. f*ck. Never in my life did i feel so small/undereducated/naive/immatured/lacking in thinking/inferior in front of ppl ard my age. yes. i'm intimidated after realising that my scope of knowledge and experiences are so damn extremely limited.

my gosh they are merely 1 or 2 yrs older than me and they can engage in my dad's ABSTRACT discussions-- abt philosophies, phy, math, life sciences, politics, ideologies, visions in life blah. By discussion i, by no means, suggest that they are having frivilous shallow facade chit chatting session like the way WE,ok i shall not generalize but at least for me, have been talking for my past how many yrs. To think tt i used to be proud of myself: of my thinking, my tots... How shallow. Superfical.Narrow-minded of me. I 've never in my whole life seen my dad engaging in such a discussion before( a prof Vs undergrads discussion). He, on NO account, has told me all those stuff. Well, cant hold him responsible. I'm seriously not up to the standard. What's the problem man! i mean, we are ALL undergrads! why such distinct a difference?! bloody hell, i felt like a silly pri sch kid looking retardly at da1 shu1 shu1 and ah1 yi2 men2 talking anything but my teeny weeny pathetic scope of knowledge.

Is it just me or is it the education system? no doubt it's more of the latter. coz i see nearly none of the ppl ard me equipped with such an apt and questioning mind. sucks. and to make things worse..i'm receiving this whole package of singapore education system .
boy..it sucks.

i have no thinking of my own. such ignorance is briliant. f*ck.

ok..this post might sound a little extreme coz i'm feeling very agitated.
if i have offended any pro singapore edu system ppls. i'm sorry. you are INVITED to LEAVE this blog.

on a lighter note, which doesnt concern me anyway, my dad's Uni pal, who is now a Harvard Prof ( goodness! i din know he has SUCH uni frens!) happens to drop by singapore and is going to visit us!

me: hey dad..errr so WAT happened to you?
dad: ...coz i was too slack to bother abt my eng tt time. PLEASE remind me of tt...

end of this horrendous day.

--yuzhe the P1 kid

this year's maf is definitely blogworthy.. i'm just so so so glad tt i went..it's kinda stupid for tt mental struggle before going come to think of it...the turn out was somewat disappointing( and a little boring..me and js were seriously feeling very bored before the lighting up)...by tt i mean NOT as many as compared to past years....but STILL there's a lot of ppl~...pt being..i met tonnes of pplz tt i havent seen for ages... sometimes you din realize how much you miss some ppl until you meet them...arg..i love Hwa chong...Huang Cheng...A13...LEP..

i'm tired...shall update you guys on the details some other day...when i can upload the pics~ tata!

"Give me a red rose,"she cried, "and i ll sing you my sweetest song."

But the tree shook it's head.

"my roses are red,"it answered, " as red as colour of love....but the winter has chilled my veins, and i shall have no rose at all this year."

"one rose is all i want," cried the Nightingale, "only one rose! Is there no way by which i can get it?"

"There is a way," answered the Tree, "but it is so terrible that i dare not tell it to you."

"Tell it to me," said the Nightingale, "I am not afraid...in the name of love."

"If you want a red rose," said the Tree, "you must build it out of music by moonlight, and stain it with your own heart's blood. You must sing to me with your breast against a thorn. All night long you must sing to me, and the thorn must pierce your heart, and your life blood must flow into my veins, and become mine."

And the Nightingale did it..All night long she sang, and the thorn went deeper and deeper into her breast, and her life blood ebbed away from her. She sang first of the birth of a love in the heart of a boy and a girl. And on the top-most spray of the Rose-tree, there blossomed a beautiful rose, petal following petal..

Pale was it, as first...

So the Nightingale pressed closer against the thorn and louder grew her song..And a delicate flush of pink came into the leaves of the rose..

But the thorn had not yet reached her heart, so the rose's heart remained white, for the only the Nightingale's heart's-blood can crimson the heart of a rose.

"Press closer, little Nightingale," cried the Tree, " or the Day ll come before the rose is finished."

So the Nightingale pressed closer against the thorn, and the thorn touched her heart, and a fierce pang of pain shot through her. Bitter, bitter was the pain, and wilder and wilder grew her song....

the rose became crimson...
crimson as the ruby was the heart..

Nightingale's voice grew fainter, and her little wings began to beat, and a film came over her eyes. Fainter and fainter grew her song, and she felt something choking in her throat..

Then she gave one last burst of music.
The rose heard it, and it trembled all over with ecstasy, and opened its petals to the cold morning air.

"Look look!" cried the Tree," the rose is finished now."
But the Nightingale made no answer.

For she was lying dead in the long grass, with the thorn in her heart...

i suddenly realized tt i've yet to pen down any posts to dear moogies..so here i am..trying to make up for it..heeZ..well..all tt i can say is tt it's the most wonderful OG tt one can ever have.. and apparently the best so far in my years of camps..

the fellow moogies are:

denyse--
my sweet darling who initiated the 'save yuzhe fund'..a cheerful gal yet SILLY gal..with extreme shrills and loud laughters tt can turn every head within 5 km radius~~haha..life without her ll be a bore~ =) and yes..someone tt always requires me to give her morning calls on FRI for 8 30 lectures..when she stays in errrr hall 3 ( the nearest to MLT)..just to tell you a little secret(joel listen!)..she can slp at a count of 10..amazing!

rong shan--
gamble gamble gamble...she and her 4 packs of poker cards...this gal carries cards with her EVERYWHERE she goes!(does it includes showering? Hmm..) i wonder y one can have such a fetish for cards! haha.. she's my dinner mate cum errrr..neighour( hall 15)..and always keep me informed of stuff around me.. and asking me out for dinner..orh! this nice gal alwasy lend me her OB books! when the stupid suppliers refuse to give me...

mabel and xiao wei--
my roomie and future lao po!!!!! haha! when i'm not in my room..not stoning in lessons...you know where i am! haha..i mabel and xiao wei's room! mabel the relatively loud gal is very ncie and kind...although she alwalys laugh at my silly erm..throw face stuff..but she and xiao wei damn helpful!*crys* and yah..they are the self appted secretaries and vice secreteries of Moogle!^^..apparently mabel can be a better ACCt den me...i dono wat i'm doing here in acct...haha..xiao wei( yeah tt song~)'s gonna teach our kids man~(oops.better send my kids overseas~) haha! kidding.. well her rxn time is 30000 light years slower than normal human being..aiyos.. like tt how to handle students.. i bet she would only realize tt some of her students hand in their work late only after a few days due to time lagg..hahah! oops..happy playing sims 2 hall 14 pals!

shuting--
pebble!!! always the gal who goes hay wired wtih me!( jon jon's roll eyes expression) a sweet gal who alway msg me where and when to meet for lessons..and wat and when the lecs changed to...wah..i feel damn informed coz of her! apparent everyone is well informed of wat is going in sch except for me...Y??!!? haha...i ll be so bored without her company in lecs...

Jacquiline(? is tt how you spell it?)
this gal arh...poor thing..suffered from some unknown illness after the camp! so she kinda missed quite a lot of our moogle activities! but heehee finally got to see her on sun! she went to the pot luck session~~ and i think she looks like jasmine! they 've got the sisters -face...^^

hui zhen--
yeah~ my fellow ny and HC mate...but somehow i din rmb seeing her in sch...Oops..paiseh! i'm in arts you see...damn far away from s7~~~~a quite and errr yah...quite gal( even more quite than me haha)...haha...enjoyed her company during all the bus rides in camp..=)

ok time to go for tuition...shall update the others nxt time~~^^

茜雅走了。。一阵茫然把我吞噬了。。我现在的心情很糟。。或许，我早已习惯为自己拨开一个伤口。。再在上面慢慢地洒盐。。然后享受那种刺心的痛。。原谅我。。今天对我来说很重要。。可是我什么也不想说。。我的心情可能要花好一段时间才能恢复。。还是。。它有机会恢复吗？我不知道。。它或许只会被我自私地折叠起来。。然后好好地藏在我触及不到的地方。。你也许觉得我近期的缄默。。因为我内心充满了不知由来的喧闹。我只是累了。。累得不愿再振振有词的向他人费力的解释。。企图以说服别人来说服自己，并从中取得虚假的安慰。。原谅我的虚伪。。现在我正享受那份震耳欲聋的幽静。。

许多东西。。只能静静地触礁。。静静地记得。。

term started..and my first week is seriously well spent learning NOTHING and missing everything...i started my Uni life by pon-ing the my first lec..haha! tt's so me right... but Uni lecs are crap. those well paid lecturers can spent 1 hr 59 mins toking nothing but crap and merely used 1 min to touched on the subject by saying "go back n read your text". brilliant. wat's the use of us going den? a serious waste of time depriving me of slp...

urg.i'm missing HC already... i tot i won miss it ( in a sense..tt only few would know..) but i am.. i miss SIS clan and lep to be exact and to some extent..crapping sessions with tiger( toking abt tiger...i have yet to pass him the design of the logo for LEP alumni! urg..)..i miss lep stuff...i'm just so off nowadays..so cut off from the world tt i used to belong..xiya's leaving...baobei's leaving...kan will be leaving.. biao will be leaving... and hu else is left for me...to talk abt life...abt lit..abt everything tt we used to tok abt..chyi..she's the only one left...and i don even have time to meet up with these ppl..my past is suddenly snatched away from me..and i'm left with nothing..and chyi will be the only lingering connection to my past.. and i have this strong feeling tt i'm going to lost it completely if i don meet up with them any sooner..i miss you guys dearly.

a mundane update of my life: it's in a mess. nonsense. i'm trying to amend it now..but lethargic. tired. exhausted. for a reason i have yet to figure out..lecs fail to fill me with motivation coz i cant make a sense out of them..my laptop ll only be there in 2 week's time..and most imptly...i'm financially dehydrated.

heading to meet chyi in 2 hr's time..meeting xiya darling after tt....grab some dinner..and i gotta head my way down to zouk...i hope i can get some inspirations...it has been a long hiatus... but i realize i'm losing the touch...it's just impossible for me to sribble anything sensible now... bleahs...and tt makes me desperately yearning for lep...