那是一个洞。

那洞穴里窥视也看不到任何东西。我唯一知道的，就是那是深得可怕而已。无法想像的深。而且黑暗－－好像用全世界各种黑暗所熬成的稠密黑暗－－将那洞穴塞得满满的。

不过谁也不知到那洞在什么地方，总之一不小心就会掉进去，洞口就会密合。无边的恐惧开始肆无忌惮地侵蚀你，你得一步一步抹黑走向那沿路撒满白骨、阴暗潮湿的最深处。

原来洞的最深处有扇门。

门外就是久别的阳光。

爱情到亲情的过渡需要某种程度的觉悟。

当你能平淡地看待一切的风浪，那你或许已经掌握了人生的学问。

我很久沒動筆了。很多一閃而過的情感、想法在真正能動筆之前，已經用完了。其實，以我現在的忙綠指數和生活方向來看，也實在是沒有多餘的時間揮霍在書本和思考上。當然，我還是很快樂。只是這種快樂和幸福，離當年（對，那時一段已經可以用“當年”來形容的日子）的那種少年時光的快樂已經太遠太遠，遠到讓我忘了如何生活。因為這兩種快樂在某種程度上是對立的，是現實和理想的對立、更是世故和青澀的對立。得到其中一種快樂就意味著對另一種的放棄。其實，也許比起別人有一定的難度，不過，說到底是自己無法找到那個平衡點。我常常有時會有一陣莫名的恐慌，因為潛意識中明白自己不僅僅是原地徘徊，現在更選擇了另一條路。 只有在和茜雅和Stella在一起時，才能找回那種令人懷念的認同。或許，這是每個人都會走到的分岔路口，而我們只是比大家早一歩到了，才會這麼孤獨地感傷。看著周圍還是莘莘學子的朋友為課業而忙碌，在閒暇之余品味生活，很是令人羨慕啊。。我也多麼想畫一下畫、彈彈琴、閱讀文藝書籍，有空時研究一下菜譜、沏沏茶。說起來，好像退休生活呢。。

不知道是不是chain effect，突然间发现好多人对我来说很重要的人都有意无意地搁笔了。或许是身处异乡，也或许某些事情发生了本质性地变化了吧。。。这一点都不稀奇，只是没想到来得这么快。其实从茜雅走的那一天起，有些东西已经慢慢地消失了。能坚持到现在，只不过是对失去的不舍和牵挂。而如今，这些对我突然统统变得不重要了，甚至连最初到底失去了什么都忘了。当然，这包括了书写的能力，包括了真诚的自己，包括了许许多多的曾经。。。我知道自己变了，不过我真的不希望你们也和我一样知道吗？这样似乎有点自私，不过我是真的这么希望啊。

好久没写东西了，都不知道还有没有人会借着闲情逸致或无聊至极而有心地路过。很可能已经被大部分人遗忘了吧。人就是这样，you have to put in continuous effort to prove your presence，不然就会被取代。其实，故作潇洒一番，别人看不看无所谓。可是人就是这么肤浅，让这里沦落成这荒墟废地却是心有不甘。做人，还真是累啊。

The few moments of pleasure we get only show us how empty and meaningless the rest of our existance truly is.

《青花瓷》
素胚勾勒出青花筆鋒濃轉淡
瓶身描繪的牡丹一如妳初妝
冉冉檀香透過窗心事我了然
宣紙上走筆至此擱一半

釉色渲染仕女圖韻味被私藏
而妳嫣然的一笑如含苞待放
妳的美一縷飄散 去到我去不了的地方

天青色等煙雨 而我在等妳
炊煙裊裊昇起 隔江千萬里
在瓶底書漢隸仿前朝的飄逸
就當我為遇見妳伏筆

天青色等煙雨 而我在等妳
月色被打撈起 暈開了結局
如傳世的青花瓷自顧自美麗 妳眼帶笑意

色白花青的錦鯉躍然於碗底
臨摹宋體落款時卻惦記著妳
妳隱藏在窯燒裡千年的秘密
極細膩猶如繡花針落地

簾外芭蕉惹驟雨門環惹銅綠
而我路過那江南小鎮惹了妳
在潑墨山水畫裡 妳從墨色深處被隱去


-总是会被这样的诗词吸引住 清淡得很透明 其中的真味 欲舒已忘言
在前朝的江南烟雨中 我又醉倒在意境的朦胧

喂喂喂。

只想证明一下这里的主人还活着。

来北京也有些日子了，似乎务必得感受到什么，写些什么才对。其实，有时生活可以就是那么的平凡无奇。没什么好说，也没什么好写。这儿的天气太热，厌恶烈阳的我恹恹地躲在室内，打算把长城、紫禁城留给落叶纷飞的秋天。毕竟，秋天的凋零更能衬托古城残骸、人去楼空的那种隔世追忆。

所以，最惬意的事，是跑到在北京胡同里一个隐秘的cafe泡了一天。偶尔，会喝几口咖啡，看看窗外经过的人们。由于有laptop和《伤心咖啡店之歌》，所以我想听什么样的音乐，查什么样的资料、看多久的书都可以如我所愿。

然后，我想到马蒂。她不是也在城市最灰暗、隐秘的角落的蓝色伤心咖啡店遇见了小叶、海安和吉儿他们吗？她也是从那个cafe开始从幼稚走向成熟、在一步步自我发现的过程中，对人生产生了过人的透视和自信。不知道为什么，我的心会为这现实与虚构的相似悸动不已，心里暗自幻想我的你们会不会在这一刻就这么出现在我面前，在一个老北京胡同的cafe里。想到你们，嘴角又会不自觉地上扬。我想，你们都会喜欢这个地方吧。 对，我还真的很听话，有好东西的时候真地就想到了你们。

这不就是我要的生活吗？当年，不就是这样羡慕着像我现在一样的人吗？

我想，下一站因该是找个茶轩品茶的时候了。

喝着一杯清凉的台湾珍珠奶茶。在香港国际机场。落地窗外的空旷，很美。 翻开《伤心咖啡店》，心情也变得蓝调。 看着人群来来往往，在同一个地方，飞向人生不同的方向。
突然觉得，一个人的旅行，感觉其实很不错。　

不知道为什么，这种时候，也想起了姐妹。

at HK airport doing nothing now. there's still 1 hr plus to my flight. *yawns*. thx to those ppls who sent me off today (inlcuding loppy). =)

Amazing how we've changed. While fanciful and loud designs were our only choice for blogskins in the (not so distant) past, we've begun to appreciate the beauty of simplicity. Or should i say to avoid--complexity.

i have been idling for the past three weeks. i cannot recall a single activity since i have returned that can be considered as adding value to the lives of anyone around me (apart from the heavy injection of cashflow into the singapore economy). yet there is a certain value and importance in this idleness. projecting the next twenty years of selling my life to the corporate devil, i will be working like a donkey. not to mention more years of studying should i intend to sneak back to college to catch a breath. life after this long summer vacation will cease to be the same. how often will i ever get to laze around at home waking up late, read the papers over coffee and cereal, watch endless online television (thank god for youtube). or the liberty to pick up the telephone and meet up with someone i haven't seen in a while. or the inspiration to casually write for personal pleasure. So idling is a luxury and i choose to treasure it.

Speaking of which, so as i was busy attending gatherings and meet ups, it suddenly hits me that i have exhausted nearly all of my summer vacation. In a week's time, I'm going to wear my corporate bondage and slave myself in beijing. oh, I just came to receive the details of my intern working hours. A typical 9 to 6 corporate life with an estimated 3 hours(horror) of travelling per day (given beijing's tragic traffic condition). As soon as i read through the details, it suddenly occurred to me that this may be the end of my social life for the next 6 mths. So if you love me and you care for my social well-being, do ask to meet me. =) and we will have dinner. or lunch. or whatever suits your fancy. (probably not breakfast). those in singapore and the states, CALL me when you are free--->I'm making myself very clear yea? =p

人都是会变的。再寻常不过的道理。曾经认为很重要的，到头来终究是经不起时间的考验的。这倒也没什么。就好像change is the only constant那种说法。过去的人不一定会陪着我们走未来的路。所以我们总是不断地在收获、失去、邂逅和错过。没什么好高兴的，也没什么好哀伤的。

我其实很害怕有那么一天，我们都在生活里迷失了自己。

当大家都默默地离去，然后渐渐忘了那所有所有的曾经，我会将那时的记忆也夹在我们的照片里。 也许会在很多年后的一个黄昏，我走不动了，不想走了，从偶然翻开的日记中落下这些已经泛黄的照片。而回忆，那些尘封的回忆，就会从那里破蛹而出，单纯地为我们真的活过作见证。那时的我，一定会哀伤地泛着泪光，拼命地想回到那笑中带泪过去。可是，回得去就不是过去，这就是时光。而时光是停不住的，因为时光一直都在。停不住的，是我们在时光面前脆弱的--自己。

然后，我就会竭尽所能不让自己连这些仅有的回忆都失去。。。

and so I am finally back, welcomed by the familiar but uncomfortable perspiration rolling down the sides of my face. much has happened for the past two weeks. Jetting between exceedingly chilly and rainy kunming, cooling guangzhou, sunny xiamen and hybrid-of-all hangzhou, It seems that the weather had been the most unkind and fluctuation is the only consistancy in the weather. As I pray for good weather, the past weeks havce seen the highest and the lowest in my mood patterns with complete unpredictability. Strange how it follows a period of peaceful serenity. Oh well.

Despite the weather, the china experience has been excessively meaningful and inspiring at times. I’m in love with the friends I’ve made, be it fellow singaporeans or the chinese. I’ve seen with my eyes of bewildered wonder, a country of amazing potential. I’ve seen for myself the strong motivation and drive for success of the chinese people. I’ve seen for myself the enormous pool of talents that dwarf our existance and how weak our education system has proved to be in blatant comparison. This is not to render the singapore education a total failure, our linguistic advantages and all-rounded education (aka CCA invovlements) with world perspectives equipped us with significant capabilities (as what we have been constantly reminded to take pride in). But seldom does the peacock in us realize the opportunity costs that inevitably follow – a relatively weaker command of both languages, a jack of all, master of none. If I may so postulate, these unavoidably resulted in the unspeakable lack of globally respected/recognized academia and a strong reliance on foreign researchers/talents. It is, of course, in the government’s policy and interest that the education system is essentially economically driven ( we do owe our tiger miracle to them) and I see a palpable similarity with the Spartan way of governing a country, more subtle certainly. While Singaporeans are blinded by our past success, the humble giant’s efforts to learn and model after thriving economies has seen its rapid improvement in just a matter of years. As Singapore prides itself in the human capital it has, what about the abundant supply of talented human capital and natural resources that larger countries have? Competitve adventage is always in comparison is it not?

It is a matter of time that the sleeping giant will overtake Singapore. I’m quite sure of it.

10 random facts/weird things or habits (since i'm innocently tagged by Mr Joel Thomas)

Rule of the game: each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own 10 weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks.

1. Give me a stool and i could isolate myself in silence for 24 hours at the age of 3 ( a phenonmenon that, i believe, resulted in the early development/retirement of my brain:p)

2. My mom was nearly on the brink of breakdown when she couldnt find me in any possible corner of the house, only to realize i'd quietly unlocked the door, CROSSED the road and ended myself in a nearby park at the age of 3

3. I have memories all the way back to 3 (as seen from above)

4. I was (and still is) constantly in my own world (as seen from above).

5. I love to play songs in repeat mode for hours and seldom get tired of it.

6. I adore the woody scent of books. Catch me flipping through the pages under my delicate nose if you can.

7. Secretly likes drawing/painting, but takes lots of will power for that very first stroke.

7. My old room key always ended up unplugged at the keyhole for the entire night. I know its whereabouts whenever i cant seem to find it.

8. When room keys advance with techonology (access cards), the problem manifested itself in a different manner: i forget to lock the door.

10. It's a miracle that i still manage to survive pretty well.

“我发现你好像真的从来不会回头的。而别人只能跟着你的步伐走。”

“是吗？”

“所以，你要不要尝试偶尔回头看看？”

“偶尔。。。回头看看？”

“对。不然你永远都在追寻，而不知道自己到底失去了什么。。”

--《海豚湾恋人》

betrayal. it's a vicious cycle. the longing to betray at our tender youth and then, at some distant future, feeling pangs of conscious. the urge to betray will be here again: to betray our own betrayal.

there is beauty in everything before our eyes. sometimes all things around us point towards and focuses your attention on something so magnificently grand and imposing - that may be beauty. yet the most beautiful things in life exist everywhere, in every nook and cranny of all buildings, in the lives of ordinary people like you and me - an elderly couple walking down the sunset beach hand-in-hand or a child with teary eyes of hope and faith.

life is beautiful and it will always be. (=
or perhaps, i'm just born fortunate enough to appreciate it.

life in uni is hectic by nature of the demanding workload. my week just passed me by without notice - partly because i have been too buried in my textbooks to differentiate night from day. while i remain convinced that i am in one of the most demanding courses in the university, i have gradually begun to accept what i'm having and have ended myself into. today is a self-enforced no-revision day:). maybe its a "burnt-out" reaction - i just could not make myself understand anything i was reading. faded was the initial obsessive drive to save my most disappointing(and sadly deserving) GPA which had seen me work non-stop in the first week of exams. Ironic it may seem, i secretly enjoys the long weeks of examinations when i can truely have some quality time with my textbooks and making real sense out of the past semester. The feeling of carrying on from where you left off exactly is almost surreal. haha. and yes, to be alone yet comfortable, away from everything...i look forward to the much-deserved breather with 3 months worth of vacation!

Academics aside, let me tune my time back to the emotionally restless night (previous post). Admist my recollections of the past, it pains me to know that of all things i have experienced, i could never live them again. life is beautiful only because you live once, for if you could repeat every experience ad infinitum you lose the most precious inherent value of existence - das schwerste gewicht, nietzche. the first fall of snow in winter. the first blooming rose in spring. the first ray of sunlight in summer. the first falling leaf in autumn. the first flight away from home. the first death of loved ones.the first crush in my teens. the first failure in my life. It is all these firsts that made me who i am. Inexplicable it may seem, this is essentially us.

It is in this silent happiness and bliss that I curiously pen this entry. (and painfully realized my no-revision day has passed. )Back to my bed and textbooks i shall go. =)

This term has ultimately taken its toll on me. I could feel myself crumbling under the immense weight of everything after slaving myself for the past 5 days; each passing day is a struggle. A struggle against stress, a struggle against temptation. I could just do no more of this mess, writing not a single word, thinking not a single thought. Hour after hour, I glanced forlornly at my clock. I saw the hour hand move with an uninterrupted regularity which characterised the inevitable passing of time. I couldn't stop it; and after a while, I couldn't hurry it. Yet the more i struggle, the faster and deeper i sink and plunge into a sea of never-ending work. I have never experienced such conflicting yet complementary feelings of despair and desperation. Behold. the next 2 weeks of utter sleep-deprivation. I'm in one of the rare occasions where the thought of believing in the mysterious powers of the divine liberates me (slightly).

I was lying on my bed from midnight in full anticipation of my first paper(which ended in tragedy)with my eyes closed, i desperately tried to get rest. but after tossing and turning with a pounding heart, my mind was a caged animal set free. I thought of the past, I thought of the future. I thought of the worst moments, I thought of good memories. I faced my worst fears and my deepest phobia and I felt an urge to pen down my thoughts, but i need to force myself to get proper rest. Interesting how peculiar we can get at absolutely critical (and wrong) timings.

Incoherence is celebrating its victory over me. I'm just in a schizophrenia talk to myself. Dont bother.

我们都是一面支离破碎的镜子
用尽了一生的精力
只不过想拼回一个完整的自己。。

My Secret Garden

有几个星期天，都被迫回到学校。不知道是不是一种自虐，还真的很喜欢在这个时候回学校。那种宁静和散漫的气氛真的让人很舒服。走在cant A 的天桥上，四周一个人都没有，连汽车都躲起来了，只有懒散的阳光，微微的风不敢太张扬，只是很调皮地卷起飘落的落叶和花瓣。想要一个人的时候，寂寞成了一种享受。少了吵杂的人群，这里似乎成了一个被人遗弃的文明。偶然闯入了这个的废墟的我走入了一个神秘的世界，抚摸着废墟里的桌椅瓦片，它们还是那么地有生命力，仿佛族人的消失只是昨天的事。 它们每一个都隐藏着一段耿耿于怀的心事吧。那是一股历史的沧桑。在永恒的时间里，每个人的存在渺小得可怜，世事烟飞云散，所有所有的曾经也只留下几页绮丽古纸，几页散落在人间的罕为人知。。。这样的一个地方，在岁月的河流里流浪，在时空交错的感情里感伤、也许也独自在夜里为它的患得患失而黯然神伤。。